A Continuation of My Inner Being

Started: Friday April 18th, 2008...
I'm obviously wasting my lunchtime away typing away on my laptop, but I have a few more thoughts on moi, so here I am. I know, I know... it's like Christmas. Three from me in one day!

I think I'm noticing a trend in my dating life. It bothers me the more that I think about it, but I really don't know how to correct it either. For such a long time I have blamed my lack of boyfriends ( total count for the past 9 years would be zero!!) on the everlasting long list of losers that have adorned my dating career. Well I don't know if I would call it a career, but for the sake of this rant, it's a career. It's my blog, I can do what I want. Back to my topic. I sware that I have ADD sometimes. So...as I was getting my ass kicked the other night by an iTrain workout, it dawned on me ***ping*** (I sware the noise went off in my head too.) I think that I don't know how to date anymore. I mean, I can obviously throw on a short skirt, a sexy top and stillettos and sip of an overpriced glass of wine with the opposite sex, but it's the bigger picture that seems to give me trouble. Like the part that comes after we have a connection or a couple of great first dates. I get very impatient, I will admit that I am an instant gratification girl and if I see something that I want, and there appears to be a potential there my female thought processes go into overdrive. It's really not any fun to have that mindset of having to achieve something. I think it's like this. From the time I was born, I've always gotten what I've wanted. So when a guy expresses interest, and we have a connection, go out a couple of times, I tend to get ahead of myself and automatically want the whole kitten caboodle. I don't like the unknown, I hate not being sure of myself, second guessing if I guy will call, or even knowing if he's truly interested in me or not. I think it's partly b/c it's been so long since I've had that sense of security that I deeply long for it. It surrounds me at every avenue in my life with my friends, my family, my girlfriends... :::sigh::

Lunchhour is over, I'll continue this later.

Picking back up: Monday, April 21st...
Hokay, so after a few more days of contemplating over this dilemma, I have come to the realization that maybe I do have a problem. And the problem is this...From the time I was a little girl, my life has been filled with dissapointments from most every man that has ever come into my life. It started with my father, or should I say the lack thereof. It's escalate thru a series of serious boyfriends in my late teens and early 20's until I hit my breaking point with the label of "boyfriend." Now, don't get me wrong, I've briefly dated a vast array of men since the age of 20 or 21, but I think that I'm stuck in a state of failure to launch. In essence, I had my "aha" epiphany last week, and now I need to work towards a solution...although I'm not sure how to get there. Everyone says I'm a great girl, and I know that I am as well, it's what I pride myself on infact. But my problem isn't gaining the attention of males, it's keeping my cool once I've enticed them. I know part of it is a game of cat and mouse and keeping the chase.. but my problem is the unsurity. I know that it's an insecurity of mine, and while I don't have many this is the one that I can not seem to overcome. The bottom line is this: I have zero faith in guys. It's true. I no longer get excited for dates, or special events, or any fun activities that involve guys b/c 99.9% of the time those plans never follow thru, and honestly I'm a little tired of the let downs. So in conclusion, I've now come to terms with what might the room cause of my forever being stuck in this land of singledom, I just don't know how to amend it. It seems that I'm just not good at dating. Bottom line. I can walk the walk, talk the talk, but at the end of the day, I always end up screwing it up somehow, whether it be subliminal or otherwise. I need someone to keep me grounded during those times of uncertainty because I'm pretty sure that I'm not capable of doing this on my own.
I dunno, I'm going in circles, I think a big part of me just wants to have someone who loves me and that I can love in return. It's been an eternity since I've had that, but I'm really not sure where to start either. :::sigh:::