For 30 Years...

My usual repertoire on my blog consist of idiocies that grace the world wide web, but today's message is heartfelt from the world of Mel as I attempt to dissect my relationship with my father.

For 30 years I have wanted someone to call Dad.
And not just in a parental way, but in a respective, role model, family-oriented way.
But I've given up on this hope.

For 30 years I have watched you clutch your belongings.
Attacking anyone who touched, disturbed or misplaced any of your monetary possessions.
Such an ugly trait to possess.

For 30 years I have sat back and watched your lack of affection for both of your children.
But not in the physical sense, but in the emotional sense as well.
And this can't be undone.

For 30 years I have watched yout love for alcohol remain the same.
While your love for your family dwindle.
In the end, you've chosen alcohol.

For 30 years I've watched you degrade every member of our family on countless occasions.
Regarding matters that just aren't important in the big picture of life.
This is inexcusable. And unforgettable.

For 30 years I have watched you try to buy the love of everyone that surrounds you.
And I've come to learn that new cars and fancy toys both lose luster.
Then what are you left with?

For 30 years I have witnessed the most unhealthy marriage between a man and woman.
Marriage is about loving unconditionally and learning to deal with anything that life may throw your way.
Without 'losing your cool.' Period.

For 30 years I can recall too many occassions where I was embarassed by your overbearing displays of anger and rage.
Even though you may not have raised your hand to me.
The emotional scars are just as painful.

For 30 years I have only wanted a father figure.
To support me, to praise me, to be a part of my life, to love me unconditionally and to forgive and forget.
Half-assed attempts on rare occassions don't count.

For 30 years I have watched you destroy a family.
With your undeniable urge for the bottle, your level of hatred for too many things and your inability to roll with the punches.
It makes me sick to my stomach.

For 30 years I have allowed you to break down my inner being.
Sometimes ripping it to shreds, while I took every lash and never faught back.
Enabling you to continue your horrific behaviors.

30 years of hurt.
30 years of nothingness.
30 years of dissapointment.
30 years of belittlement.
30 years too long!