One thing I hate about me

Today is going to be a self realization posting, mainly just for me to vent, about being frustrated with no one other than myself! I would just like to say that I hate one thing about myself. Well, there are a couple of cosmetics things that sometimes irk me, but those are all easily corrected with some due dilligence at the gym. The bigger issue at hand is something that eats me up inside, and I don't know how to fix it.

I think that I have not had a boyfriend for so insanely long (going on 9ish years) that if/when I do meet anyone that has potential I always tend to get ahead of myself. I know that at the end of the day, I think I long for that one thing that I haven't had in so very long (relationship stablity.) I want to be able to lay in bed with someone and cuddle. I want to have someone to call me for no other reason than to tell me that they are thinking about me. I want to be able to share my days with someone. My hopes, fears & accomplishments too! I want to know that there is someone out there thinking about me and smiling. And yes, I realize that by writing this post, I have officially admitted to the entire world wide web and any of my loyal readers that I suppose I am looking for a relationship. But, does that make me a bad person? Probably not. Does it mean that I need to change some things about myself, absolutely. But how do I do that? Well, that's another story. I have not a single idea on how to do that.

I'm frustrated with myself. I hate it. I wish that I could change it. I don't even look for/pursue guys anymore b/c I know how my self destructive cycles kicks in. And in the process I get ahead of myself with a few nice gestures from the opposite sex, and before you know it, I've set myself up which inadvertently just leads to me once again being dissapointed. It's the reason that I am so hesistant to tell people about guys that I'm talking to. It's the reason why I never have girl talk with my mother. It's the reason why I prefer to be a big flirt. And it's why I go after assholes, b/c I know eventually they'll turn into a douchebag and the problem will be solved. And in the instance I do meet a nice guy, I don't know what to do with myself, and the cycle begins. I'm just not good at dating/relationships.

Well, this post accomplished absolutely nothing. I think I'm worse off because of it. :::sigh:::