Things I've Learned Since Our Last Visit

I figure since our mothers are always reminded us from the time we pop out of their uteruses (a bit graphic...or no..) anyways, perhaps it just my mother, but I'm pretty confident in assuming that it's all mothers of the world that profess that life is all about lessons, so why not fill you in on some of the lessons/experiences that I have learned since our last briefing in early July.

1) Shots of Jaegermeister at any time of the day or day of the week are never ever under any circumstances considered to be a good idea. It promotes bad decision making on a whole new level.

2) Sloots and ladders is a fantabulous game to place. Everyone should join in, it would make the world a much friendlier place I would imagine.

3) The Publix located at the end of Shine Ave. is old and small and a god-damned meat market. Do not under any circumstances go into that grocery store if you look anything less than amazing. There are entirely too many pretty people living downtown and they all frequent that place, it's freakin' ridiculous. I've resorted to stopping by there directly after work, or not at all if I'm less than sub par. Pretty folk of the DT area, I do not like the pressure of the neighborhood market. Can't a girl just pick up some milk without having to shower and put on mascara for goodness sakes?

4) People who walk/jog/run/stroll/whatever the case may be around Lake Eola will seriously say some pretty wack ass shit to you. (Side bar-I'm cursing like a sailor tonight-sorry folks.) Back to my Eola weirdos rant....For instance tonight I had a woman of another race (trying to be PC while still showing her ignorance) ask me first if my dog would bite her, which she soon followed up by asking her if I would giveher one of Rylee's puppies when she "had some." By far one of the weirdest conversations that I have ever had. First off, my dog is a sheepdog, sporting a pink rhinestone collar, strutting around Lake Eola like she's some sort of royalty, does she look the slightest bit ferocious. I think not. Use your brain. And secondly, yes, it was apparent that she was a girl dog, but do you really think that just b/c she's capable of reproducing that it would automatically be assumed that I would have her popping out litter after litter? Seriously, I'm not Michael Vick. Hands down most ignorant question I've ever been asked. Why would I give a puppy from my ridiculously rare breed of dog to a complete stranger that I just met a Lake Eola 30 seconds earlier? I just put on my headphones and walked away. The question did not even merit an answer.

4) And lastly, about a month ago I earned myself one of those hangovers that you still feel at 8 pm the next night. Little shout out to my girl Hilary for that one, thanks dear. Just wait my friend, I'll find your weakness and then it's game on. I still owe ya, and paybacks are a bitch. :) Anyways, so I'm hungover as hell and at 2:00 or 3:00 in the afternoon, after a night of debauchery, and I finally drag my carcass out of the house to go and retrieve my car from the Solaire parking garage. Afterall, the entire morning I felt 200% useless, however as the day progressed I started realizing that its probably going to cost me $50 and a kidney to get my car out of parking, so I decided to peel my body from the couch and stop the bleeding. As were driving thru the lovely area of College Park I'm realizing that a) I'm quite sure I could still be drunk and b) I feel like royal dog shit. Well as if those two things aren't bad enough, we pull up to an intersection at a light and now I think I could be hallucinating as well. Standing there on the street corner is a gentlemen, I'd say in his mid to late 20's, dressed in a weirdo costume, holding a sign. At first I analyze the heck outta this freak wondering why he's dressed like a wearwolf or zombie or whatever the hell creature he was going for on this Saturday afternoon... when I peel my eyes away from his attire and that's why I noticed what his sign said. Now before I spill to you what his sign said, let me reiterate a key piece of information. He was a dude. Now, as I look up from sir freakboy I take note of his sign that is scribbled in black sharpie which reads "RIM JOBS UPON REQUEST." I almost choked I was laughing so hard. I had to ask my roomie to verify what the sign said after I did a double, triple and quadruple take to ensure I was reading it properly. Now...If I had not felt like the polar opposite of a super hero and I had my camera with me, you could have bet your sweet ass that I would have snapped a photo with this guy, merely for the fact that most would not believe my story, even if I told it 231 times. Heck, who am I kidding, even if I had photos you'd still suspect photo shopping of some sorts. Greatest site ever for College Park.

Surprisingly, the time is now 11:45 and I'm spent. This blog did not turn out to be as funny as intended, but I'm having writers block b/c it's been so long. The more that I get into it again, the better the one-liners will become.

TTFN-
Mel xo