The Nutshell of Mel

Empty Inside

2011-02-06T14:42:00.003-05:00

Today is one of those days that I really just need to find a release, and this seems to be the best outlet. As I lay in my bed crying countless tears, I can't help but wonder if I made the right decision. Essentially I've just had to let go of someone who meant the world to me, and who was, esentially my world. As we said goodbye last night, I felt like a part of my heart was ripped from my chest at the exact same moment that someone repeatedly punched me in the gut.
I just keep replaying the scene over and over in my head and it makes me cry harder each time. It was the hardest decision that I have ever had to make, but I also know that it was the best decision for the both of us. He's lost his soul and his happiness, and I can not guide him. He needs to find solace within himself before he's capable of being the same man that I fell in love with.
It's been almost 24 hours since he left, and I think now reality is finally setting in. He's gone, and I don't really know if I will ever see him again. That in itself, is a very tough pill to swallow. He was (and still is) the only man who has ever loved me unconditionally. He accepted everything about me, all my quirks and goofyness, and even adored me when my allergies made me sound like Millhouse. I truly thought I had found the one. He was the one that I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with, God had put him into my life for just that reason.

And now, he's gone. And I'm empty inside. Why does this have to hurt so bad?

Obviously They're Doing Something Incorrectly

2009-08-14T17:32:00.004-04:00

Coming to you straight from the depths of Cowboy Curtis' infinite time to find crazy news articles for me to rant about, here's a quickie. Again, yes, pun intended.

Doing Something Wrong

When I first read this article I thought that I had read something incorrectly, so I moved my eyes back to the top of the page and parused the verbiage once again. To my dismay, I had indeed read the article correctly, 88% of people in Amsterdam found a trip to the potty more pleasurable then having sex ??!! Let me state that once again, the restroom over sex?? Holy hell, someone needs to declare a state (or country for that matter) of emergency in Amsterdam. And for the record, I am by no means a sex addict or anything of that magnitude, but never ever would I fathom saying that I enjoyed relieving my bowel and kidneys over having an orgasm. I go to the restroom b/c it's a part of life, a necessity if you will.

I'm quite curious to know where did they chose the demographics for this survey? Perhaps from the patient files of a gastroentonologists office? Or maybe the first 1,000 people to purchase a box of Immodium AD at their local CVS? These statistics just don't make sense to me, and for that matter, probably never will.

Love your life, and for the sake of one's well being..love sex too!
Mel

I Don't Know What's Worse...

2009-08-14T17:03:00.005-04:00

It's been a while since I've blogged, and my last posting was anything but chipper, so I feel like it's time to redeem myself. Afterall, I've gotten stuck on the help desk with late shift 4 nights this week, might as well kill the last hour of my incredibly long work week by blogging about uselessness.
So, here it is kids, take a deep breath and digest my find. I came across this jewel on my friend Nate's facebook page, and so I stole the photo and got a burst of energy to "pound" on the keyboard. No pun intened. Pfftthh, who am I kidding, of course that jab was filled 'to the brim' with pun :)

Now, there are two very disturbing things to this girl's facebook posting. The first being blatently obvious, and that is the apparent fact that she is a complete moron for not realizing she was typing back/forth with her friends about her lady parts being "split" (as she so eloquently described it.) The second is something that only came to me when I read over it a second time (obviously still in disbelief.) If you look closely, (in the second blurb down) the last phrase says "i figured gma would have told you by now."
Now, where I come from gma translates to none other than every family's favorite female senior citizen--aka Grandma. And well that's just freakin' weird! Perhaps gma stands for someone's initials, but it seems that 'K' doesn't give much thought to being coy, so I have to lean towards the obvious translation. I can openly admit that I am not super tight with my grandma, and even if we were BFF's, there is no freakin' way in hell I would tell my grandma about my riding my boyfriend so roughly to the point that, yes...I tore my vagine. Who does that? I mean honestly, I may use that phrase like I use brownies to fight off PMS (which is often incase you didn't know it.) but seriously folks WTF!!??

Now, no good blog from Mel would be complete without a little addition from the mind of Cowboy Curtis...

1) People are idiots.
2) Who would share that kind of info, especially in writing (of any sort)?
3) Split from falling off? Onto what, a fencepost?

Ack, just looked at the clock, only 5:24, which means I have 36 minutes to go, although the phone has not ran once in the last hour. Maybe I need to find something else to blog about...stay tuned.

Love your life and your "broken" lady parts-
Mel

For 30 Years...

2009-05-14T12:47:00.011-04:00

My usual repertoire on my blog consist of idiocies that grace the world wide web, but today's message is heartfelt from the world of Mel as I attempt to dissect my relationship with my father.

For 30 years I have wanted someone to call Dad.
And not just in a parental way, but in a respective, role model, family-oriented way.
But I've given up on this hope.

For 30 years I have watched you clutch your belongings.
Attacking anyone who touched, disturbed or misplaced any of your monetary possessions.
Such an ugly trait to possess.

For 30 years I have sat back and watched your lack of affection for both of your children.
But not in the physical sense, but in the emotional sense as well.
And this can't be undone.

For 30 years I have watched yout love for alcohol remain the same.
While your love for your family dwindle.
In the end, you've chosen alcohol.

For 30 years I've watched you degrade every member of our family on countless occasions.
Regarding matters that just aren't important in the big picture of life.
This is inexcusable. And unforgettable.

For 30 years I have watched you try to buy the love of everyone that surrounds you.
And I've come to learn that new cars and fancy toys both lose luster.
Then what are you left with?

For 30 years I have witnessed the most unhealthy marriage between a man and woman.
Marriage is about loving unconditionally and learning to deal with anything that life may throw your way.
Without 'losing your cool.' Period.

For 30 years I can recall too many occassions where I was embarassed by your overbearing displays of anger and rage.
Even though you may not have raised your hand to me.
The emotional scars are just as painful.

For 30 years I have only wanted a father figure.
To support me, to praise me, to be a part of my life, to love me unconditionally and to forgive and forget.
Half-assed attempts on rare occassions don't count.

For 30 years I have watched you destroy a family.
With your undeniable urge for the bottle, your level of hatred for too many things and your inability to roll with the punches.
It makes me sick to my stomach.

For 30 years I have allowed you to break down my inner being.
Sometimes ripping it to shreds, while I took every lash and never faught back.
Enabling you to continue your horrific behaviors.

30 years of hurt.
30 years of nothingness.
30 years of dissapointment.
30 years of belittlement.
30 years too long!

And Yet, He Continued to Work There

2009-05-11T21:10:00.007-04:00

First, the link:
Man Chomps Off His Finger Over Unpaid Wages

So, let me try and understand this; you work for said company and on a regular Friday afternoon you get wind that the companies bank account resembles that of Enron's, and rumor has it, you aren't going to get paid. Alas, you're a hard worker, and so, you decide to stick it out for a few more weeks hoping that the execs will shift around some funds and come thru for you. But, unfortunately that doesn't pan out so well either. In the end, the normal worksman would look for other means of making a living. That is unless you are this guy, cause if your name is Zoran Bulatovic (side note, who the 'F' bestows the name Zoran upon their child anyways??) Anyways, if you'r name is Zoran, you stick it out for years "only collecting social benefits such as free medical care." And at some point in time Zoran gets fed up (no pun intended) and decides to use a hacksaw to cut off most of his little finger and threatens to eat it if they don't begin to give him all of his back wages. In the end you are a) missing a finger; b)successfully made yourself look like a fool by committing such an act of protest, and c) to top it all off, you're now you're a less desired employee because you are a missing said digit on your left hand. Pure genius I tell you. Perhaps next time Zoran should post his resume on Monster.com and quit shortly after they inform him that they can no longer pay him. Just a thought....?

Love your life, and all 10 of your fingers, (but not enough to eat them.)
Mel

"Dating Really is a Crap Shoot"

2009-04-08T14:02:00.005-04:00

Thanks to Michelle for this contribution..
Not sure if this article is legit or not, but it's funny none the less, especially with all the cliches and puns. What normal person hasn't refrained from "shooting a bunny" in the presence of a possible suitor? But crapping your pants on a first date...? I would be mortified!! Word to the wise folks, skip the ethnic food until you're comfortable with each other's bowel movements.

Useless Trivia from the mind of Mel
Did you know Sigmund Freud has a theory on babies shitting themselves for pleasure? And no, I'm not making that up either. Read up on Freud's Psycho Sexual Development here (see anal stage.)
Freud's Psycho Sexual Development
Side Note: Education stuff on my page for once, who would have "thunk it". haha

Maybe it's possible that this lady was trying to calm her first date jitters. I mean, I usually stick to a straight shot of Grey Goose Vodka before I leave the house, but hey, different strokes for different folks I suppose. :)

Now, back to the point of this posting..as I am kill time at work, since it's kinda slow today.

Here's the actual Craiglist Ad. - (Click on Image to Enlarge)

Love your life and "Cajun Tots" (especially on a first date)-

Mel xo

"I'll Give An Honest Effort.."

2009-04-08T13:45:00.002-04:00

This is a fantastic article that I just had to share with my loyal readers if I do infact have any left.

Here's the link:
Failed 72 Times

So this Soupolos character discovers he's sterile,but desperately wants kids. Obviously the most logical thing to do would be to scout the neighborhood for someone to start regularily banging your wife. Isn't that what most people would do? I can picture a conversation going something like this, well actually this is the scenario that just popped into my head.
:::knock, knock, knock:::

Soupolos: "Hi, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind have unprotected sex with my wife for a period of 6 months, or until she's pregnant."

Neighbor: "Ah, no buddy. Gonna pass on that,but I hear the guy at 3508 might be game for that, 'specially since wife really isn't anything to write home about."

I mean honestly, how exactly would you bring up that conversation with someone. Perhaps over a hand of Texas Holdem, or a 12 pack of Budlight. Truthfully, I can't really think of a time and/or place where that conversation would not be 368% just plain awkward.

What's even better is the twist that the article took when good ol' Maus turns up sterile as well and he finds out that Mrs. Maus has been screwin' around with the mail man (or perhaps the guy at 3508 who has the jacked up wife.) Priceless.

The best excerpt from this article has to be this one.."three evenings a week for six months, Maus tried desperately, a total of 72 times, to impregnate Traute."

Germany Adulteration Awesomeness at it's finest. Can't help but love it.

Love Your Life (and obviously your neighbor.)

Mel

I Don't Know What's Worse...

2009-03-27T00:13:00.005-04:00

Here's the link:
Please Help My Son Get Laid

Naming your son Otto, or trying to pimp out your Down's Syndrome son to get laid. WTF?! What kind of a mother does such a thing? It's just wrong on so many levels. SO MANY LEVELS! "She says she is even prepared to go so far as to pay for a prostitute for her adopted son."
My commentary: This is what happens when you allow trailer trash to procreate. They bear children with disabilities and then fathom hiring a prostitute to get them laid. I think the worst part is that she's trying to earn her 5 minutes of fame with this charade. That's bad parenting 101 if I ever saw it. Perhaps the agency should re-consider allowing "Miss Baxter" to adopt anymore kids in an effort to earn frequent flyers miles at the neighborhood brothel.

Ah.. that felt good to get out a rant. It's been so long since I've blogged. Hilary...Cowboy Curtis, this one is for you. Much love to you guys.

Love your life and pimp your downs son-(and yes, I know that I'm going to hell for that comment.)

Mel

"No Means No"

2009-01-27T15:22:00.002-05:00

I haven’t blogged in awhile, but someone sent me this new article, and it most definitely merited a short blurb. The best part is the caption under the photograph “No means No!” [says the] Raccoon.

First the article:
Toothy Raccoon Fights Back

And now, my 2 cents....
Now, while I’m quite aware that most males will stick their member in anything that resembles a pleasure filled spot, I’m still a bit perplexed as to why this guy was trying to rape a raccoon. At what point in time would it EVER (!!??) be a good idea to stick your dick into a rabid raccoon? I would pay damn good money to be a fly on the wall of the ER when this guy came in explaining of his dilemma. Or to witness the face of the doctor who had to listen to this moron pleading case for reconstruction.
If you’re stupid enough to try and rape a forest vermin, you just might deserve to have your penis chomped off by said furry friend. In the great words of Napoleon Dynamite, “Friggin Idiot!!”

Love your life (instead of Raccoons)
Mel

Some More Funny Photos

2009-01-17T18:40:00.003-05:00

"Snorkeling in Ohio"

"Smiley Ass"

Love your life (and your illustrious display of your ass :)
Mel

A Quick Snippet From EHarmony

2009-01-17T18:34:00.003-05:00

In the words of CC...

So what the hell is an acceptable answer?

Love your life (and your dick in women)-
Mel

Nothing of Importance--Just Babbling

2008-12-30T12:41:00.004-05:00

The time is 12:42 pm and I have a few minutes to spare before my lunchtime is over, so I figured that I'd write a little something to pacify my readers since it's been a few weeks.

To recap on the past month would take entirely too long. But in a nutshell, my same repetitive cycle of meeting guys that appear to be nice, only to later turn into giant a-holes has continued to hold true, so no worries on that front. The good news is that I'm finally learning a key lesson from all of these douchebags, and that is this.. they're all nice in the beginning! Everyone presents themselves as sweet and a total gentlemen. Insert a slumber party invitation and a handful of overpriced adult beverages from a local establishment, and you've got a whole different ball game my friends. And in this game, the rules are simple. Guys aren't looking for a relationships, and girls always think that they are the exception to the rule, haha.

Yup, not much has changed this year on the guy front. I did meet one particular asshole a few weeks back that I'd sooner let earn 3rd degree burns than waste a drop of my spit or even urine on him to extinguish any flames. And to him, the king of all assholes, all I can say is that karma's a bitch, and this is a small town. No one gets away with speaking to me like that you little prick. :)

Moving right along. January 1 starts a new chapter and I'm hoping for a year of changes, here are more proposed resolutions for the new year.

1) No more using credit cards
2) Starting off the year with my infamous 30 day plan-
3) No going out DT for one month
4) Gym, gym, gym.. and and a little gym on the side.
5) House cleaning my cell phone of loser boys phone #'s.--Lord knows I have enough.

That's a big list, and I'm not sure how well it will stick, but hey' it's worth a shot. Gotta jet to get back to work.

Love your life-
Mel

Sad, but Accurate.

2008-12-11T23:51:00.002-05:00

Thanks George W. Bush. Who would have EVER thought GM, Ford & Chrysler would need a bailout.

Worth the 2 Minute Watch--This is fabulous!

2008-12-11T23:42:00.001-05:00

Love your life-
Mel

Kiss of Deaf (Yes I stole that title)

2008-12-11T00:06:00.002-05:00

I'm not exactly sure what kind of over-the-top passionate smoochero these two were embracing in, but homegirl's lost part of her hearing as a result.
Check out the article:

Kiss of Deaf

Guess that'll make you think twice about making out with someone again soon with this new found risk. Who am I kidding. I'm not skeerred. (Yes, I realize that I crossed over into being slightly ghetto with that last verbiage, but it was funny. Deal with it.)

My favorite quote from the article..
'While kissing is normally very safe, doctors advise people to proceed with caution.'

And accordingly, Cowboy Curtis adds his two cents, "Dude, you're doing it wrong."

Love your life & proceed with caution when making out.
Mel

As if my dating life wasn't competitive enough as it is

2008-12-10T23:53:00.007-05:00

Some a-hole from Ontario Canada has decided to up and make a robotic girlfriend. This is going to do NOTHING for my dating life.
Check out the link:
Meet Aiko-The Robotic Girlfriend

So not only do I have to compete with all the size 2 blonde bimbos of the world who have a combined IQ of my left shoe. Now some yahoo goes and makes a psuedo girlfriend named Aiko who can suffice in just about every category of the perfect woman, and she can be turned off. (And I'm not speaking in the sexual sense here.)
Fan-spankin-tastic. What more can I say?

And a few words from my favoritely jaded contributor:
"....if they get the making sandwiches and not talking during sports part down, a lot of women are going to find themselves single."

You know, I kind of have to agree with CC on this one. :::sigh:::

Love your life & hate the robo girlfriends!
Mel

I Honestly Don't Blame The Guy!

2008-12-10T23:41:00.004-05:00

Another CC find. Here's the link:
"Not Tonight Honey"

I'll keep these brief tonight cause I have several things to post, but all I can really say is that after seeing this woman's mugshot, I really honestly can't blame the guy for not wanting to have sex with this beast! Yikes. She's quite a gem. Sidenote, what's a 35 year old man doing with a 19 year girl in the first place? Isn't that only acceptable if the girl is like super over-the-top smokin hot? Perhaps he hasn't read up on the fine print of being able to pull off dating someone virtually half his age.

Oh, one more thing... here's a bonus link. I found the guys mug shot. He's equally as much of a looker. Ladies, control yourselves.
Mr. Hot Stuff

Love you life & Stab your boyfriend if he won't have sex with you.

Mel

Quickie--No pun intended. Okay, maybe a little bit.

2008-12-10T23:30:00.004-05:00

Does this really even need a caption or comment? I think not. Technology is a beautiful thing, unless you're this girl. Check out the photo.

Semantics question: Did she mean this was her first time, and that it was on the beach (eg, Wedding Crashers)? Or, that this was her first time on the beach, an aspirational mountain few of us have yet to conquer?

Kudos to the Cowboy for diggin' up this one. Nicely done.

One thing I hate about me

2008-12-04T12:46:00.002-05:00

Today is going to be a self realization posting, mainly just for me to vent, about being frustrated with no one other than myself! I would just like to say that I hate one thing about myself. Well, there are a couple of cosmetics things that sometimes irk me, but those are all easily corrected with some due dilligence at the gym. The bigger issue at hand is something that eats me up inside, and I don't know how to fix it.

I think that I have not had a boyfriend for so insanely long (going on 9ish years) that if/when I do meet anyone that has potential I always tend to get ahead of myself. I know that at the end of the day, I think I long for that one thing that I haven't had in so very long (relationship stablity.) I want to be able to lay in bed with someone and cuddle. I want to have someone to call me for no other reason than to tell me that they are thinking about me. I want to be able to share my days with someone. My hopes, fears & accomplishments too! I want to know that there is someone out there thinking about me and smiling. And yes, I realize that by writing this post, I have officially admitted to the entire world wide web and any of my loyal readers that I suppose I am looking for a relationship. But, does that make me a bad person? Probably not. Does it mean that I need to change some things about myself, absolutely. But how do I do that? Well, that's another story. I have not a single idea on how to do that.

I'm frustrated with myself. I hate it. I wish that I could change it. I don't even look for/pursue guys anymore b/c I know how my self destructive cycles kicks in. And in the process I get ahead of myself with a few nice gestures from the opposite sex, and before you know it, I've set myself up which inadvertently just leads to me once again being dissapointed. It's the reason that I am so hesistant to tell people about guys that I'm talking to. It's the reason why I never have girl talk with my mother. It's the reason why I prefer to be a big flirt. And it's why I go after assholes, b/c I know eventually they'll turn into a douchebag and the problem will be solved. And in the instance I do meet a nice guy, I don't know what to do with myself, and the cycle begins. I'm just not good at dating/relationships.

Well, this post accomplished absolutely nothing. I think I'm worse off because of it. :::sigh:::

This one is worth a repost

2008-11-30T11:34:00.003-05:00

I was just scrolling back thru old blogs since I'm once again sick thanks to half of my family being sick over the past two weeks. (Thanks lovely Fam!!) I came across this posting which meritted a little boost back up to the top of the page. I recently learned that this guy did pass away from his cancer, but this video is enough to make everyone rethink the way they live their lives.

Enjoy !

Love your life--even when you're sick with a cold again!
Mel

Just to Make It An Even Three

2008-11-30T10:43:00.002-05:00

Over the past several days, I've been experiencing some dejavu from this time last year. If you thumb thru to last years posts around this same time, you may be able to dig up what I'm speaking of. I can't really divulge too much information, b/c that typically jinxes me, (if even I even spelled that word correctly.) I can however say that running into people that you havn't seen in years usually goes one of two ways; horribly awkward, or the polar opposite. Obviously I prefer the later of the two :) And that is indeed what happened to me this Thanksgiving weekend.

Speaking in an anonymous tone, seeing people from your past that you used to have big crushes on is always fun. It's even better when you learn that they used to have a big crush on you as well--and that neither one of you knew about the other's. It's reunionzation at it's finest so far as I am concerned. And the best part about the entire situation is when you realize that although you havn't seen each other in over a decade, it certainly doesn't feel like it. Everything happens for a reason in this world :) And I am a firm believer in just that! I'm really not sure in which directly this might head since it is so new, but I will say that it is most definately a breath of fresh air to see that there are still some nice guys left in this city of A-holes!! Okay, I'm off to finish some psychology homework now.

Love your crazy, unexpected, yet so rewarding life-
Meli

Needle Size Art

2008-11-30T10:25:00.002-05:00

There isn't a whole lot that I need to say about this guy, other than the fact that he is a superbly talented individual! And his reasons for creating this collection of artwork holds an even greater story! Watch this video and see what I mean!
Microscopic Art

Love your life-
Mel

The Simplest Things in Life are Sometimes the Most Rewarding

2008-11-30T09:58:00.002-05:00

It's been a few days since my last post, but with the long holiday weekend and friends in town, I havn't had a lot of time to pound away on my trusty little laptop. But I still think that I get a gold star of sorts for posting on a much more consistent basis as of late. The norm for my blog usually consists of dating woes, news articles or sillyness of life. But today I'm going to switch it up a bit.

It's no secret to most that I spent a rediculous amount of time in the kitchen whipping up a gigantic feast for 15 guests once again this year. This year it was actually a 2 day process! It's a shit ton of work, but it's what I live for. Each year I improve on the prior, and each year we add a few more people, and a bit more chaos. My family may be a mish-mosh or crazyness and love, but they mean the world to me, and I realize that more and more each day. Guess that's what growing up is all about :) This year we had a new addition my adorable little peanut of a nephew John who has just started to walk at only 8 months. I'm such a proud Aunty Sissa!! I also got to see my aunt that I havn't seen in years, so that was a nice to catch up with her. Additionally, we started a new tradition, which is really where I was going with the blog in the first place.

Ricky is learning about giving in school, so I figured it would be great to help him accomplish just that. Since we had a feast for a small army, I decided that we needed to share some leftovers with less fortunate people. So, we piled a plate full of food (no kidding it probaly weighed atleast a pound) and headed down to Lake Eola with my brother as our body guard. We found a man and his wife sitting alone and hungry on Thanksgiving Eve and gave them the platter of food. We also provided them with drinks, napkins, silverware, and all the leftover munchies we had from the day. Ricky told the couple "Happy Thanksgiving" and at that moment, I got the chills, and yes, even got a bit teary eyed. It was so simple, but it meant so much to them(and to me as well!!) I am so blessed to have a roof over my head and family\friends to fill it with. Thanksgiving is all about that! Being thankful for what you have. And rest assured, this is a tradition that will stay in place for years to come!

Love your life-
Mel

Manic Monday

2008-11-24T19:22:00.003-05:00

Good evening all-
I'm taking a break from testing my software at home, b/c obviously that seems like the most entertaining thing I could be doing right now... but I figured I'd paruse my email for a moment or two. Make sure to check out the new link on the right side of my page under "Other Ways to Entertain Yourself"... the new addition is Hot Chicks w/ Douchbags, and let's just say it's awesome!

Secondly, in light of my frustrations with work over the past couple of days incase you could not tell.. I'd like to give a definition to what my job situation is life:

Micromanagement: (according to wikipedia)

In business management, micromanagement is a management style where a manager closely observes or controls the work of his or her subordinates or employees. Micromanagement is generally used as a negative term.

Geeze, it's weird that I am so flustered, I have 15 different bosses to answer to, and they all tell me something different. I'm so f-ing frustrated right now that I could stab myself in the eye with a spork. Honestly, I'm just not sure I'm cut out for this line of work. There, I said it. :::sigh:::

I need a more upbeat posting, so I'll conclude this one and surf the web for something that might make you laugh!

Love your life-(and hate your job--oh wait, that's me!)
Mel

Dear, Single Young Males of the World

2008-11-21T20:52:00.004-05:00

While my usual rants typically relate to some off the wall nut job who has gotten some foreign object stuck in an orafice, or eaten themselves to gluttony, every now and then I speak on a serious matter. Well, tonight as I listen to some Pandora, clear my brain from a very LONG and stressful day at work, and sip on my vino, I parused my email and came across an article that was sent to me by my most dedicated contributor.

The article was written by a woman named Kay Hymowitz. In her piece, she writes about why so many 20-something year old men refuse to grow up, and/or settle down, and the article kind of pissed me off, after only the first couple of paragraphs. So much in fact that it almost makes me want to write a letter to the world addressing all of these idiots. Wonder how much that would cost in postage ?

Here's a link the entire article if you want to check it out, but I wanted to share one of the most poignant lines with you guys incase you didn't want to take the time to paruse the entire thing like I just did on a rather unproductive Friday night. Alas, rest assured my friends, I'm going to be showering in a bit to head out in search of some playtime with the opposite sex downtown this evening. Hokay, sidetracked already (damn wine)..here is the link:
Love in the Time of Darwinism

One paragraph that initially stuck out at me was this one:

Their argument, in effect, was that the SYM (Single Young Male) is putting off traditional markers of adulthood—one wife, two kids, three bathrooms—not because they're immature but because they're angry. They're angry because they thinks that young women are dishonest, self-involved, slutty, manipulative, shallow, controlling, and gold-digging.

My first reaction was WOW! Well..to this I could obviously go off on some crazy psycho girl rampage with a hatrid filled rebuttle, but I'll contain myself. Instead, I'll be much more poised with my two cents on that matter. Sometimes I have to remind myself of it, but I am indeed..still a lady :)

In light of some of my past behaviors in the last year, I can not, nor will I deny that I have not exhibited most (but not all) of these behaviors in the past 12 months--give or take. But (and that is a BIG but) it wasn't without just cause.

See the truth is this, 'we woman' have been driven to these standards as pseudo defense mechanism if you will. We are dishonest, because men are equally as dishonest. If they can get away with it, then we should be able to as well! We are self involved because men are equally as bad. We are slutty for two reasons a) as my friend Angela says "a girl's gotta eat." and fairvilla doesn't always cut it and b)I don't see a need to waste my feelings and inner workings on men that are not willing to express the same feelings in return. Or in some instances, not deserving! We are manipulative...well.. I really don't have a rebuttle to that one. :::insert foot into mouth::: Moving right along. Shallow, hmm.. I don't consider myself to be shallow, so I'll skip ahead. Controlling, yes. I'll take that one. I am controlling b/c I don't like to be hurt. I'm usually "the giver" and that always leads to me becoming a 'doormat' of sorts. I control my destiny with men, b/c the majority of them are just plain jerks! I look at it like this. When someone is willing to dig deep enough to get to know me as a person before they want to sleep with me, then in just time, I'll open up. Until then, I'll remain in control of my own destiny. And, unfortunately sometimes that involves controlling men. As for the last one, well I live in Orlando. The city filled with a very large population of narcasistic silicone injected women. However, I am most definately NOT a gold digger. But I could see where this accusation would fit the mold for most 20 something year old females. Heck, I am so much NOT a gold-digger that when I went out on my date last week, I even paid for my own wine at the wine room, and the guy had asked ME out, so there! Granted, I should have let him pay, but it was a self righteous moment, and so I used my own card for the evening.

It is now 9:15 and while I was initially thinking that I was NOT going to go off on a tangemt, and it inadvertently looks like that is exactly what I just did. Oh well. I'm off to shower and get ready for some shenaigans. Read the rest of the article, it's quite enlightening.

Love you life and live for yourself-
Mel

Tuesday: November 18th

2008-11-18T23:00:00.006-05:00

Well, first off, I must say to my loyal readers, I believe that I have been diligent in posting on the Nutshell on a consistent basis for the past couple of weeks. I've been trying to carve out atleast 30 minutes throughout my already rediculously busy schedule to unleash my mind on you all for a brief paragraph or two. Wait, does this mean, that I might actually be able to commit to something? I mean afterall it took me over a month to get thru a 2 week kit of Crest White Strips. Which by the way, check out my teeth next time you see me, and please compliment me even if they don't look a shade brighter, just so that I don't feel like I got hosed on the $40 I spent on them.
Couple of things that I'd like to dish to you all about so, without further ado, here goes.

1) I have FINALLY figured out the wretched humming noise :::insert hallalejuah music here:::!! Tonight when I was driving home from my jog at Lake Eola I had an epiphany once I realized they were yet again doing construction on Mills which is only a street away from me. Side Note: Has anyone else noticed that pretty much the entire city of Orlando is under construction at this point, truthfully I'm kinda over it, just finish already, yeesh! Anyways, back to the noise. So the lovely road worker crews are tearing up various sections of Mills for god knows what reason, and as I drive past them I hear the humming noise. They are doing something underground with all kinda of obesely large machines and crap, and the noise is coming from inside the hole. I'm sure this realization is pretty mindless and petty to everyone but myself, but atleast I finally know what has been keeping me awake for random nights on end. So, to the City Beautiful workers dilligently working thru the night, please hurry up and finish already, I need to get some sleep. That's what she said. (Did anyone catch that Michael Scott/Office innuendo that I just plugged at the end of that paragraph?) Hokay, so maybe it wasn't nearly as funny to you all, but I certainly did laugh in my head. Whatever.

2) Now, as for numero dos, it's actually a little video to leave you with so you can have warm and fuzzies whenever you might need to circle back around to my page. Fun fact of today is that an Otter mates for life, it's very cute in fact. When I die and come back as an animal, I'm puttin' my name in the hat to become an otter, I figued after the shit ton of dirtbags I've had the pleasure of meeting/dating..I'm bound to have better luck as a cute little fuzzy otter.--Don'tcha think? Below is the video. Note: It's a little slow to get started, but it's only 1:40 and it will leave you saying, "awe!!"-Guaranteed :)

I'm spent and whooped from 8 hours of work, 2 hours of class, 1 hour at Lake Eola and 2 hours of HW. Man my life is exciting! I'm off to rest my brain for awhile.

Love your life (and f-ing road construction approx. 2,897 feet from your bedroom window)
Mel

Other Thought Processes of My Brain Today

2008-11-17T20:16:00.005-05:00

In no particular order...

After filling my gas tank today at the local Racetrac in Sanford, I must admit that I was more than a little excited by getting gas for only $1.94 a gallon. And thus my word of the day was born:
Gasgasm (pronounced gas-gasum) noun-
1. the physical and emotional sensation experienced at the gas pump filled with excitation, usually resulting from lack of stimulation of the wallet.
2. an instance of experiencing this.
3. intense or unrestrained excitement from getting cheap gas.
4. an instance or occurrence of such excitement after purchasing gas for under $2.00/gallon.

Another random thought process currently in my brain is that the Special K challenge is hardcore. I'm about to gnaw my freaking arm off. By the end of two weeks I might resort to carnivorous behaviors. So, to the neighborhood moms of Shine Ave., keep your kids inside, lol. I've done it before and I can do it again, but man oh man, day one was rough.

Also, I've started to get back into jogging again, which probably isn't the most intelligent decision for a girl with asthma when it's freezing outside. 3 miles around Lake Eola this evening resulted in the following:
-Ears that were so cold I feared they might fall off b/c I could barely feel them.
-Stopping about every 2-3 minutes to catch my breath b/c I was caughing and congested from the cold weather on my lungs.
-Seeing some decent eye candy amazingly still jogging around Eola shirtless, so it made it all worth it :)

Okay, I'm off to do some homework.
Until tomorrow...
Mel

"Urine Purification System"

2008-11-17T20:04:00.005-05:00

Good news! Our super thrify president is putting our tax dollars to good use again. Check out this article...
$250 Million Well Spent??

At first I read this article and thought it to be kind of inept at meriting any sort of posting on The Nutshell, until I read this line...
"The shuttle carries two new sleeping compartments and a water recycling system that will enable the crew to purify urine and other wastewater for drinking." What infuriated me even more is that as I continued to read I learned that the space shuttle only has 10 voyages left, which will conclude in the year 2010.
So, let me see if I am understanding you correctly Mr. President. Our economy is in the absolute shitter, millions of people are homeless and jobless, and you somehow justified blowing $250 million on a tricked out space shuttle's bathroom when we are going to retire the space shuttle program altogether in the next two years--??!! How is that a good use of tax dollars?? You mean to tell me that the astronauts could not make due with the way that drinking water situation has been handled since the early 1980's? Do we have a bunch of pre-madonna's aboard the shuttle these days or what? Yeesh! I usually try to write funny blogs, but this one just sort if pissed in my cornflakes and I had to vent. Oh "W" how I love thee.

LYL-(and hate the President)
Mel

"Potato stuck up his bottom....fell on to the vegetable while naked."

2008-11-16T23:58:00.007-05:00

This article is a-mazing, you have to read it. Here's the link:
Potato Bottom Guy

Well I have to sympathize with the gentlemen for actually having to the go the hospital and admit to the nurses and/or doctors that he did in fact did have the makings of some french fries stuck up his pie hole. That my friend would hands down be the most embarassing moment to experience. Now, what I don't get is the elaborate story he made up to try and cover it up. "He explained to me, quite sincerely, he had been hanging curtains naked in the kitchen when he fell backwards on to the kitchen table and on to a potato." Now, if this was the infamously well known card game, I would hae whipped my entire hand down on the table with an overzealous proclamation of Bulllllshit!!

Obviously the guy is the "catcher", and he was apparently too embarassed to admit how he actually got the potato stuck in his hinee, but I think that most everyone capable of reading this can put two and two together and come up with a few scenarios as to how this might have happened. BTW-My mental image of all possible scenarios is rather alarming, my apologies to any of my readers who may have just experienced the same visual imagery that I was fortunate enough to.

And lastly, my favorite line of this article is the last sentence, "But our staff deal with them in a discreet, professional and kind way."--So discreet in fact that your surgery to have a potato removed from your butthole, (sorry a bit unlady-like, i know, but still funny) has now made its way to the world wide web for everyone to read. And ofcourse for me to poke fun (no pun intended) at this potato booty guy, lol. Oh, and also.. who the hell hangs curtains while they are naked?

Love your life-
Mel

Just Plain Bizaar

2008-11-16T23:47:00.004-05:00

I have a couple of fun articles that my favorite cowboy sent me, so my postings tonight will be brief, but still just as quality filled. P.S. Just so you know, it's a lovely 50ish degrees outside, so my windows are open, and yes I am listening to the sweet sweet melodies of the awful humming noise. I feel like Alfred Hitchcock, this silly noise might drive me mad one day. Hokay, only my first news article.

The first one just kind of baffled me. Here's the link for it:
How does this happen??!!

First of all, what human being in their right mind (short of a vampire) would be kosher with a flippin bat flying around in your house? Second thought, who lives in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Perhaps that's where bat breeders flock to ? Who knows..? Relatively speaking, that's not something you see everyday, and it's certainly not something I would brush off and mozy onto bed without thinking twice. Let me reiterate that, "the woman reported a bat in her house but wasn't too worried about it. She turned on her automatic coffee maker before bedtime and drank her coffee the next morning." So, as she was sipping on some Folgers French Roast the following morning she didn't notice any slight variation in taste? I find that pretty hard to believe. And lastly, I'm really just curious as to how in the hell a bat managed to squeeze thru a 1/4 inch gap in the top of a coffee pot to take us residency in the coffee filter holding area. I dunno, I'm a bit skeptic on this one? I just don't see how it's possible. Anybody else with me on this one? More fun stuff to come.
Love you life xo
Mel

So, the woman

"It's better to be pissed off, then to be pissed on"

2008-11-11T23:29:00.005-05:00

If I do say so myself, sometimes my creativity just spurts so pefectly from my brain cells, that I can't help but give myself a little bit of credit. Point and case, would be the title for this entry. Special thanks to CC for this addition to my archives of useless tyraids.
Total side note before I begin my posting...I'm currently watching this special on The Discovery Channel about than man who has this internal wart disease that has essentially covered his entire body with giant tree limb like growths. By far the absolute most disturbing thing I've ever watched. I wont post pictures b/c it's truly shocking, but if you want to see what I am referring to, click on this link below. I must warn you, the photos are seriously alarming & graphic!! And that is no exaggeration!!
"Tree Man"

Hokay, with that out of my system, let me move onto the reason for this blog. First, the link: "It's better to be pissed off, then to be pissed on!"

Now, first off let me start off by saying that I am by no means an angel. Lord knows I've had my fair share of emptying my bladder in public after having consumed a few too many adult beverages without the proper planning of bathroom breaks. Yeah, it happens, but never ever once have I thought about urinating off of a balcony onto other people. Additionally, if I was a politician, never would I EVER think that this was even remotely a good idea for my political career. I always joke about stuff and say "there goes my political career"... but Jersey City Councilman Steven Lipski really should have been mouthing these words as he "drained his lizard" on the fine folks located directly below the balcony upon which he was standing. But alas, even more fabulous than the fact that he pissed on a group of people is that he has now nobley vouched to "never touch alcohol again." I mean come on, how many of us have had those words come out of our mouth as we lay in a useless state after an evening of over indulgence. I can for surely guarantee that everyone of my loyal readers has spoken that phrase in addition to most of the general population that is over the age of 18. I'm not sure who this guy is kidding. Hey buddy ol' pal Stevie, you got hammered and you urinated on a bunch of people, just fess up to it and move on. BTW-- No one for a second believes that you "spilled your drink." Nice try though, but your cover is blown. On a scale of 1 to 10 for being a moron, this guy is registering in at a solid 12! Congrats for becoming my idiot of the week, and it's only Tuesday.

It's midnight, my scary TV show is over, I'm off to bed.

Peace and hair grease-
Mel :)

On the brink of this Tuesday afternoon

2008-11-11T12:57:00.008-05:00

I figured that I would kill the last couple of minutes of my lunch hour with a little bit of verbiage to keep my loyal readers happy. Not too much to report here, just plugging away at school and work, while still trying to keep a somewhat even balance on life, lol.

I did get to enjoy the sweet melodies of my favoritest person in the world this past Sunday evening. Incase you havn't been privy to my years of stalkage, I would be referring to Chris Martin, who is the lead singer of Coldplay. Normally, I am a pretty big concert snob and only buy tickets for the floor, but having seats that were 2 rows from the floor certainly paid off this time when the band decided to do a live acoustic performance of "The Scientist" in arms reach distance of me. Ofcourse photos were prohibited b/c of copyrights, yadda, yadda, yadda, but still the experience was seriously unforgettable. Best concert of my life, hands down. I love this band, I obsess over them in fact, I know every lyric for every song that they have ever written. I would guess that this type of obsession could probably be defined as a clinical illness.

I'm off to another wedding this weekend in Clearwater for yet another one of my high school friends to get married. Perhaps my day will come eventually. Heck, who am I kidding, at this point, I'd suffice with getting to have a little one-on-one alone time with the male species. Afterall, I am now officially the last member of Chateau Shineanigans to have overnight company. I guess that makes me some kind of loser of sorts. I need to allot some time in my schedule to be sluttier. :::sigh:::

The holidays are right around the corner... which I am dreading both for financial reasons as well as being alone yet another holiday season. Every year my family insists of poking fun at my lack of male companionship, and I'm sure that this year will prove to be just as abusive as prior years. Joy! I can hardly contain my excitement for this time to be upon us.

I did however get proposed to last night in the Super Walmart by a tall and lanky cowboy gent. He was not very attractive, and absolutely not my type, but he did make me smile none the less when he told me that he was going to marry me. Who would have thought that a stop for groceries would prove to be so entertaining as I was crawling into the frozen turkey section of Walmart trying to find my next 24+ lb. victim of choice for the holiday feast which is rapidly approaching. I did manage to get a butterball beast which will be ample in filling the stomachs of my family as the invade my house later this month. I can hardly wait. Pics to follow as I molest the poor guy on Thanksgiving morning. I'm taking suggestions for names this year if anyone would like to contribute.

So, for Hilary, Cowboy Curtis, Andre, The Mike, and ofcourse my lovely little Beaver (wow did that sound like a sexual innuendo)... start brainstorming, my turkey needs a name. Comment with your suggestions.

Love you life-
Mel

The Noise!!

2008-11-07T00:00:00.005-05:00

While I have not yet been able to find anything that I dislike about living downtown, I think that quite possibly, I have officially come up with something, (well besides commuting 50 miles each day in a car that smells kinda funny each time that I drive it--which is probably from an obvious amount of neglect to it's mechanical well being, lol.)

My next door neighbor has some sort of wretched noise making object in his backyard that drives me absolutely fucking nuts while I am trying to sleep. You know what it sounds like when someone is using a leaf blower right outside your window, well luckily for me, this is precisely the sound that I hear right outside my bedroom window on random weekday evenings...off and on... for the entire evening. Now, I have come to the conclusion that my neighbor, while he has quite the meticulous curb appeal, that he can not possibly be doing yardwork for hours on end, while normal people are sleeping, for that many days in a row!
So, then I've started to think, could this be a generator perhaps? Well, I guess maybe it could be, by why the heck would he be running a generator for that many days/hours in November.--Afterall we certainly aren't in the middle of hurricane season or anything that would merit generator usage. Additionally, I've seen the guy's ginormous flat screen TV hanging from his living room wall, it's obvious he can afford to pay his electric bill, so the generator theory is a obviously a total bust. Lastly, I started to think, perhaps it's an air conditioner? But, that just doesn't make sense. No one in their right mind could tolerate a loud ass noise like that coming from their air conditioner for long periods of time without losing their sanity in it's entirety.
Now, please don't think that I just lay here in bed miserably listening to this wretched humming noise, without doing any detective work. Oh no, you can bet your sweet ass that I've gotten up to look on more than one occassion, but I can not seem to track down what in the hell is making such a serenading melody directly outside my bedroom window on any given night. Which by the way, also does not allow me to open my windows to let in any cool air, b/c yes, you guessed it, the noise is ten folds worse if you open the windows. Glorious I tell you, just fan-spankin'-tacular.
So, here it is 12:09 am and I am currently listening to the sweet melodies of the chain saw massacre re-enactment outside my bedroom window for the entire evening again.
:::sigh::: I guess I'm off to bed now. I'm going to bomb my neighbors house one of these night, just watch for me on the news my friends, b/c it's coming, lol.

LYL-
Melly

Coming to a high school near you....

2008-11-06T23:42:00.005-05:00

The time is a little after 11:30 and while I have a second psychology paper due at midnight this evening, I have procrastinated to the point that I really don't feel like doing it at all anymore tonight. I can turn it in tomorrow for a minor points deduction, so that's my plan of attack. In all honestly, I am so god-damned (sorry father) of these weekly papers I could spit. Honors Psychology online is just plain hell! No joke! So, I figured that I might as well check my email and see what I could find to write about this evening before I retire for the evening. So, low and behold I check my inbox and what do I find, but a spectacular email from everyone's favorite Cowboy.. Cowboy Curtis. And what did he send me, but a jem of a news article of a high school teach over in Hungary, who decided to do a strip tease for her students in class. Now, if you don't believe me, check out the link below and ofcourse, this posting would not be complete without a video to go along with it.
First, here's the link:
Strip Tease Teacher
And then, ofcourse the video:

Now, I just have one question in my mind for this teacher, and that is this: At what point in time would you have thought that stripping for your students would be considered a good idea? I mean, did she think that one her lovely students would not a)brag to his friends that he watched his teacher strip, which would then spread around the school like California wildfires (sorry Cali for that jab) and adventually makes it's way to an administrators office or b) have a video camera on their phone which they would use to video to display such an obvious lack of sanity in doing such a thing. Does this make me a prude or is this woman just plain stupid? You decide.

Love Your Life (and your stripper teacher--haha)

Mel xo

The best "That's What She Said" Ever to Grace the Airwaves of "The Office"

2008-11-03T13:41:00.005-05:00

It's no surprise to anyone who watches The Office that Michael Scott takes every ample opportunity to slip in his ever famous catch phrase "That's what she said" whenever a prime opportunity presents itself to him. Well, a few weeks back, I was watching this with one of my favorite people, Kasey "no sensor" Palin, when we witnessed the best "Thats what she said" to ever be seen on NBC--well so far as we are concerned anyways. And so that everyone can see just how funny it is, why not find a video to let you witness it for yourself.

"The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Patrolman Parsons,"

2008-11-03T13:00:00.003-05:00

This is my favorite quote from this article, it was too great not to use it as my title. So, it's been awhile since I've commented on any news articles, although Cowboy Curtis still dilligently sends them to me, so props to him for that :)
Fistly, here's the link for this awesome article:

Man Farts on Police Officer

So, let me understand this, you down a few too many adult beverages, hop into your vehicle after doing so, neglect to flip on your headlights, and eventually get pulled over for driving like an obviously intoxicated moron. So, you receive your miranda righs and a shiny new pair of silver bracelets and get escorted by your new BFF to the local precint. Upon arriving, you are sat down in a chair while waiting for your paperwork to be procesed, and for some reason you decide to get as close as possible to the man who inevitablly seals the fate on your DUI. You then feel it is the most logical plan of attack (no pun intended) and you decide "rip one" directly at the officer as you sit in your chair? Is that what I'm understanding? And better yet, your only reply is, "I couldn't hold it no more," Awesome grammar there buddy, perhaps that why you deem it necessary to "shoot a bunny" directly at the officer who now decides to charge you with battery in addition to your growing wrap sheet.

It's sad to think that this man's vote counts as much as mine does. To you sir, I can only say this, here's your sign, b/c you are an idiot!

P.S. I googled the word "idiot" hoping to find a picture of some pathetic looking person holding an idiot sign, but instead I came across this image, which was equally as appealing and so she is now adorning the pages of The Nutshell. She's probably the smartest person that I know! No joke.

Love your life.
Mel

Two in one day, who'da thunk it?

2008-11-03T12:35:00.003-05:00

Wow, if that title doesn't make me seem a little back wood-ish, then I don't know what would. Apparently, there's still a little podunk Wisconsin girl in me that reers(sp) it's ugly head from time to time.

Today is November 3rd, and the election is tomorrow--that's the biggest news that I have to report.--Not like it's news to anyone, unless you have lived in a cave underground with no outside communication with the outside world since January of this year, lol. The election is everywhere, which is a good thing. I'm happy to see that people are getting out there and voting, our country needs a change. Did you catch that little political innuendo that I stuck in there? Brilliance I tell ya. You can obviously guess that I did NOT vote for McCain/Palin.

In a very impromptu fashion, I went downtown on Saturday night to meet up with my friend Jess, who was having a bummer night b/c all men are douchebags in this city!! So we go out to grab a few beers and people watch, b/c it's one of our fave past times when we go out together. Now, let me remind you, it was Saturday, November 1st, not Friday, October 31st. So, All Hallows Eve had passed the night prior, and so far as I am concerned, the adornment of costume, costume gear, costume accessories, and/or ensembles is no longer admissable again until the following year. On this evening in question, the only kind of costume item that may have been acceptable would be costume jewelry, but that really goes without saying, doesn't it? So, as we are bounching from bar to bar trying to scope out some prospective cute male company, we start to encounter whords of people still dressed up? Jess and I both look at each other with the same "WTF" look. You have to wonder why people were dressed up on Saturday night. Is it b/c they were a) too cheap to go out on the night prior, so they figured that the redic cover prices would regain normalcy on the following night or is it b) these people are just confused by the calendar. Either way, I still don't see a reason to be dressed up the day after Halloween, strutting around Downtown Orlando, wearing your get-up gear which was truly intended for the night prior.
Some people, Yeesh!

More to come, I'm working to put up a bunch of new stuff today :)

Dedication-Take 2

2008-11-03T12:08:00.003-05:00

The date, November 3rd, the time 12:08 pm on a Monday afternoon. I was not feeling 100% this morning, thanks to being a woman (no other details necessary) so I decided to stay home, morph into my green room chair (aka the comfiest chair ever in my loft) and veg' out for the day...now that I have hit my 90 days mark, and have some sick time accrued. Yippee for sick days.

So, with all that said, I'm here to blog to my readers, who, for the most part, probably hate my guts b/c I've been slacking yet again. But it's not b/c I do not love the fact that people actually logon to the world wide web to read my daily doses of the Mel, it's more so b/c I've been busier than a prostitute on OBT. School consumes a majority of my free time Mon-Thurs, and I use Fri-Sun to unwind, catch up with friends and try to keep my new casa somewhat organized and clean. I between that I've also been working on a couple of paintings for my new house.
With my list of excuses out of the way, let's dive in to the reason why you all come here in the first place. First a rant on something that I encountered recently.

This little incident happened a few weeks back, but it still peeves me to this day. No doubt to anyone who knows me, I love living downtown. It's great being able to take Rylee for walks after work, and people that I encounter on my 6:30ish journeys each evening are very pleasant. All except for one a-hole that I was blessed enough to encounter one day last week. I'm strolling along to the sweet melodies of Keane in my earbugs with my prissy little pooch Rylee, when I encourntered the largest asshole ever who lives in my neighborhood. First off, let me tell you that I walk Rylee in the street (against traffic so that people can see us, and I can see them) mainly b/c I do not want her picking up fleas and other vermin from people who neglect their yard mowing responsibilities. So, as I'm strolling along down the brick road, minding my own business, a man comes around the corner (driving a POS Grand Am like he's qualifying for Daytona) and proceeds to slam on his brakes beside me. This obviously caught me off guard, and so I stop walking, pry my earbuds from my head and try to understand what it was that this jerkoff had to tell me. He rolls down his passenger window, (where I notice he's an overweight slob, and most likely probably drinking a 40 as he's barreling down the serenity of Shine Ave.) and proceeds to yell (no exaggeration) to me that "you need to walk your god damn dog on the sidewalk, that's what they are there for!!" There was a moment of dead silence, and I was not sure what he was expecting from me after hig belligerant rant. He just looked at my with this intent look as if he was waiting for me to apologize or friend request him on facebook for being a complete and total prick. Instead, I did the adult thing, smiled at him, placed my earbugs back into their respective ears and went about my walk listening to Keane. To the man driving the 1984 rusty Grand Am, I only have a few things to say to you. "#1)Go F- yourself and mind your own business, and #2) Perhaps you might want to try weight watchers or some other diet regime. This might make you a bit happier with yourself and then you wouldn't stop your vehicle to scream at a cute 20 something year old girl who was just walking her dog, minding her own business. It's amazing to me how someone like this can go thru life in the way. Unbelievable!

Before this blog gets too long and I lose you guys, I'll wrap this up and start a new one with a few other thoughts that I have on life as of late....

Love your life-
Mel

And One More Thing

2008-09-23T22:48:00.006-04:00

It's no secret that many of my girlfriends have played witness to my less than respectable behavior over the last 4 or 5 months with a certain individual who shall remain nameless for sake of privacy, although I really don't give a damn about protecting him, but that's beside the point. I had a revalation this past weekend after what would prove to be the final straw for me. In all honesty, I think it was his usual display of just how little respect this douchebag has for me, and I'm not sure what clicked in my mind, but something did, and with that mindset, I decided it was time for a little house cleaning. And so, Sunday morning, I awoke, picked up my lifeline (the trusty pink Palm Pilot phone) and deleted the asshole's number from my phone, as well as all traces of his text messages and other various forms of communication. I'm done being a doormat to his self centered arrogant ways of treating everyone around him like a pile of horse manure (sp) especially me! Perhaps he's genuinely a nice guy to his friends, but the behavior he exudes towards me is nothing short of just play rudity, and I'm tired of it.
Not even sure if rudity is an actual word, infact I'm quite sure it's not...but since this is my blog, I am more than entitled to make up my own lingo as well.
Rudity (pronouced like nudity, but with a R at the beginning)
Defined as one's display of unjust or downright mean behaviors.

Feel free to add that one to your vocabulary, I plan to as well, before you know it, all of your friends will be using it too, just you wait and see my friends :) Okay sorry I'm getting sidetracked.

Point being this, while I'm not fully convinced I'm really cut out for relationships, I do know that at the end of the day I still deserve to be treated with respect, and anyone who does not, can :::insert catchy tune::: "Hit the road jack, and dontcha come back no more, no more, no more, no more, hit the road jack..."

Yeah, that was a little cheesy, so on that note, I'm now going to sleep.
Love your life, and your mother (not sure where I was going, just wanted to throw in a mom comment there for some reason.)

Mel xo

Two Reasons Why I Love Perez Hilton

2008-09-23T22:33:00.006-04:00

Well, I'll spare you all the long and gory details of just how shitty my work situation is as of current, but let's just say that while I have not jogged like Forrest Gump since May or so, I somehow managed to jog 6 freakin miles around Eola tonight, for no other reason then to burn off some frustration. I came home, watched a little 90210 (the new series) and then I did what any overwhelmed and way too stressed out girl would do.. I logged onto PerezHilton.com, and happened to find two great photos that I had to share.
Numero Uno..
Does this really come as a surprise to a single human being on this planet? I mean honestly, anyone who was fortunate enough to not play witness to his performances circa 2003 or 2004 American Idol has surely seen this "jem" somewhere in the media over the past 4 of 5 years. I only ask this: Is this really some sort of a surprise to anyone that Clay Aiken is gay ??!! My gaydar picked up on this a long time ago. Yeesh!

Numero Dos..
I'm not even sure that this one needs my commentary. For those of you who can not make out who this is in the photo...It's Kim Kardashian, and it's pictures like this that make me so thankful that I am not a celebrity having my cameltoe photographed for all to see. Awesomeness at it's finest. Props to the paparazzi for catching this jewel! lol

Well, it's 10:45 and I'm pretty whooped, so I think with that in mind, it's time for me to head to sleep before another day of hell starts tomorrow. Joy!

Things I've Learned Since Our Last Visit

2008-09-18T22:43:00.010-04:00

I figure since our mothers are always reminded us from the time we pop out of their uteruses (a bit graphic...or no..) anyways, perhaps it just my mother, but I'm pretty confident in assuming that it's all mothers of the world that profess that life is all about lessons, so why not fill you in on some of the lessons/experiences that I have learned since our last briefing in early July.

1) Shots of Jaegermeister at any time of the day or day of the week are never ever under any circumstances considered to be a good idea. It promotes bad decision making on a whole new level.

2) Sloots and ladders is a fantabulous game to place. Everyone should join in, it would make the world a much friendlier place I would imagine.

3) The Publix located at the end of Shine Ave. is old and small and a god-damned meat market. Do not under any circumstances go into that grocery store if you look anything less than amazing. There are entirely too many pretty people living downtown and they all frequent that place, it's freakin' ridiculous. I've resorted to stopping by there directly after work, or not at all if I'm less than sub par. Pretty folk of the DT area, I do not like the pressure of the neighborhood market. Can't a girl just pick up some milk without having to shower and put on mascara for goodness sakes?

4) People who walk/jog/run/stroll/whatever the case may be around Lake Eola will seriously say some pretty wack ass shit to you. (Side bar-I'm cursing like a sailor tonight-sorry folks.) Back to my Eola weirdos rant....For instance tonight I had a woman of another race (trying to be PC while still showing her ignorance) ask me first if my dog would bite her, which she soon followed up by asking her if I would giveher one of Rylee's puppies when she "had some." By far one of the weirdest conversations that I have ever had. First off, my dog is a sheepdog, sporting a pink rhinestone collar, strutting around Lake Eola like she's some sort of royalty, does she look the slightest bit ferocious. I think not. Use your brain. And secondly, yes, it was apparent that she was a girl dog, but do you really think that just b/c she's capable of reproducing that it would automatically be assumed that I would have her popping out litter after litter? Seriously, I'm not Michael Vick. Hands down most ignorant question I've ever been asked. Why would I give a puppy from my ridiculously rare breed of dog to a complete stranger that I just met a Lake Eola 30 seconds earlier? I just put on my headphones and walked away. The question did not even merit an answer.

4) And lastly, about a month ago I earned myself one of those hangovers that you still feel at 8 pm the next night. Little shout out to my girl Hilary for that one, thanks dear. Just wait my friend, I'll find your weakness and then it's game on. I still owe ya, and paybacks are a bitch. :) Anyways, so I'm hungover as hell and at 2:00 or 3:00 in the afternoon, after a night of debauchery, and I finally drag my carcass out of the house to go and retrieve my car from the Solaire parking garage. Afterall, the entire morning I felt 200% useless, however as the day progressed I started realizing that its probably going to cost me $50 and a kidney to get my car out of parking, so I decided to peel my body from the couch and stop the bleeding. As were driving thru the lovely area of College Park I'm realizing that a) I'm quite sure I could still be drunk and b) I feel like royal dog shit. Well as if those two things aren't bad enough, we pull up to an intersection at a light and now I think I could be hallucinating as well. Standing there on the street corner is a gentlemen, I'd say in his mid to late 20's, dressed in a weirdo costume, holding a sign. At first I analyze the heck outta this freak wondering why he's dressed like a wearwolf or zombie or whatever the hell creature he was going for on this Saturday afternoon... when I peel my eyes away from his attire and that's why I noticed what his sign said. Now before I spill to you what his sign said, let me reiterate a key piece of information. He was a dude. Now, as I look up from sir freakboy I take note of his sign that is scribbled in black sharpie which reads "RIM JOBS UPON REQUEST." I almost choked I was laughing so hard. I had to ask my roomie to verify what the sign said after I did a double, triple and quadruple take to ensure I was reading it properly. Now...If I had not felt like the polar opposite of a super hero and I had my camera with me, you could have bet your sweet ass that I would have snapped a photo with this guy, merely for the fact that most would not believe my story, even if I told it 231 times. Heck, who am I kidding, even if I had photos you'd still suspect photo shopping of some sorts. Greatest site ever for College Park.

Surprisingly, the time is now 11:45 and I'm spent. This blog did not turn out to be as funny as intended, but I'm having writers block b/c it's been so long. The more that I get into it again, the better the one-liners will become.

TTFN-
Mel xo

This is Funny Stuff

2008-07-02T11:39:00.007-04:00

My apologies for the delay in posts, life has been crazy, tons of new changes, I'll update in a bit. But here's a little ditty to sink your teeth into this Wednesday morning. I love all the fun stuff on the internet! Check this link out below.
At Home Lasik!!

So, my professor showed us this website in class last night, and it's a real web site, no it's not a joke! For the affordable price of only $99.95, you too can blast your eye with a laser, and most likely leave you totally blind. Awesome, I'll take two..one for each eye obviously! Who in their right (or wrong) mind would try this at home? Make sure to leave your weiner dog outside your room when you are trying this at home! hahaha
Click on the image to see a full size version of the diagram, it's fantastic!

Why Men Marry Bitches-A Blog By Dani

2008-06-17T13:12:00.004-04:00

My friend Dani wrote this, and I think it's something that all women need to be reminded of from time to time. I've cut and pasted this verbatim to what she wrote, b/c truthfully, I could not have put it any better myself.
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Why Men Love Bitches... by Dani
So.... My friend gave me this book to read called, "Why Men Marry Bitches". I have just finished reading it and took away some valuable thoughts. The book basically describes being a BITCH as a strong woman who has her own identity and is secure with who she is. She won't change for a man nor will she sit back. She has her own opinions and values them. She doesn't need a man to be happy. She is happy with herself and he is a bonus.
This made me think about a lot of women I know, including myself. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in liking a guy and wanting a relationship, we loose who we are.
So I challenge you to be who you are. Love who you are, no matter what anyone else says. Be strong, have convictions and stand up for them. Respect who you are and rejoice in it.
All in all be a BITCH - Babe In Total Control of Herself ;)
Below are the "Relationship Principles" that were in the book.....
(Not really into the whole relationship viewpoint and marriage but the point of being content in who you are is what I got out of reading this)
My favorites are 's 1, 5, 11, 30, 54, 55, 70, 72, 73

1 In romance, there's nothing more attractive to a man than a woman who has dignity and pride in who she is.
2 He marries the woman who won't lay down like linoleum.
3 He doesn't marry a woman who is perfect. He marries the woman who is INTERESTING.
4 When a woman is trying too hard, a man will usually test to see how hard she's willing to work for it. He'll start throwing relationship Frisbees, just to see how hard she'll run and how high she'll jump.
5 Don't believe what anyone tells you about yourself.
6 Men see how you dress, and then make assumptions about your relationship potential.
7 When a man sees you wearing very revealing clothes, he'll usually assume you don't have anything else going for you.
8 When he sees you scantily dress, he is not reminded of how great you look naked. He immediately thinks of all the other men you've slept with.
9 Every guy knows he can find a girl who is simply satisfied with satisfying him. They are much more turned on by a woman who cares about her own pleasure as well.
10 You can tell how much someone respects you by how much he respects your opinion. If he doesn't respect your opinion, he won't respect you.
11 It is better to be disliked for being who you are than to be loved for who you are not.
12 Men like to be curious. They like to feel that there's more to the story than what they already know.
13 The mental challenge is not, "Can I get her to sleep with me?" The mental challenge is, "Can I get and keep her attention."
14 Your power gets lost the minute you start asking, "Where do I stand?" Because what you've just told him is that the terms of the relationship are now his to dictate.
15 As soon as a man has his guard up, he will not fall in love or get attached. The only way he'll get attached is if you lower his guard first.
16 When a woman rushes in too quickly, a man will assume she is in love with a "fantasy" or the idea of having a relationship. But if he has to slowly win her over, incrementally, he'll think she's falling in love with who he is.
17 Don't even mention the word "commitment". That's the whole trick. The less you say about it, the closer you are to getting one.
18 If he has no guarantees, becomes attached, and thinks you could be gone at any time, that's when he'll cherish the idea of securing a relationship.
19 There's nothing more prized to a man than something he had to wait for, work for, or struggle a little bit to get.
20 As soon as a woman hands a man a more serious commitment on a silver platter, he'll be reluctant to take it.
21 Don't be so blunt, obvious, or available that you come across as having already made up your mind about the guy.
22 You want to figure out his pattern, but don't let him figure out yours.
23 Men are far more smitten when they feel like they are "stealing" your time away from something else you could have been doing.
24 When a woman makes a man feel he's trusted, it makes him feel strong and worthy. It makes him want to be honorable and do the right thing.
25 Men like rules and they like guidelines. If there's something you don't like, he'll respect you for voicing it. He wants to know what the "do's and don'ts" are.
26 Men love knowing there's a small part of you that they can't get to.
27 Men read a lot into where you've been, by how dolled up you are when you get home. If you are dolled up and you weren't with him, it will keep him wondering a little.
28 The magic formula is to give a little.... and then pull back. Give a little.... and then pull back.
29 Women are constantly being told amazing sex will win a man's heart. This is false. Just because a man sleeps with you doesn't mean he cares about you. Nor will good sex make him care about you.
30 The way to weed out the contenders from the pretenders is to assess their attitude about waiting for sex. If he likes you, he'll be happy just being in your company.
31 The purpose of waiting is not just to seem classier. You also want to give yourself time to observe him and find out key facts about him.
32 Who he tells you he is in the beginning has very little to do with how he will treat you. If there's sex involved, he'll promise you things you've never even heard of.
33 When you aren't mind-blown after sex, and you continue to focus on your own life, he'll automatically start looking at you differently. Then he'll start wanting to secure a relationship with you.
34 After sex, behave as if the relationship is still new.
35 Men are intrigued by anything they do not completely control.
36 When you maintain a bit of privacy and he has to wonder a little where you are, you are stimulating his imagination. The second he can't get ahold of you he'll send out an APB to find you.
37 To a man, a relationship without sex represents a relationship with no love, no affection and no emotional connection.
38 Always preserve the mystery. Keep the sex sporadic and unpredictable. It makes it much more intense for a man.
39 When a woman reacts emotionally, men get three things: attention, control, and the feeling of importance.
40 When you are easily manipulated, he will assume he doesn't have to give as much in the way of a commitment in order to keep you there.
41 The best way to set limits with a guy when he's testing you is by controlling the ebb and flow of your attention. An emotional reaction is always a reward, even if it's negative attention.
42 Men hear what they see.
43 When a man tries to make you jealous, it rarely has anything to do with his desire for someone else. When you are upset he gets the reassurance that you care.
44 Once you start doing the same thing he was doing, suddenly, the bad behavior will magically disappear.
45 When a man doesn't call, a bunch of scenarios will typically run through a woman's mind. Similarly, his imagination will run wild when he doesn't hear from you.
46 The more rational and calm you remain, the more emotional he will become.
47 To a man, it is totally inappropriate to be emotional when talking about something important. When you speak calmly, he assumes it's much more important.
48 Many men reduce women to a set of givens. A man relies on the fact that most woman are emotional and that he'll be able to push your emotional buttons once he finds out where they are. When he can't, he'll often crumble and become the more vulnerable one in the relationship.
49 He is testing to see if you believe in yourself. He wants to know who is at the controls. When you aren't easily shaken he sees "This one can't be manipulated."
50 To encourage the right behavior, state what you want, and then give him the solution. Show him how he can be your hero.
51 When he's dating you, he'll constantly be on guard and watching to discern, "Does she like me for who I am? Or for what I can provide?"
52 When a man sees you are focused on your own dreams or on elevating yourself, he feels safer marrying you because he doesn't worry about what you'll be trying to take away from him.
53 Men don't judge how much money you have. They notice how you budget what you do have.
54 Men admire women who want to elevate themselves and pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, and fear women who are social climbers at a man's expense.
55 He doesn't want to marry a helpless little girl whom he will have to take care of.
56 For a man, the words respect and trust are interchangeable. If he doesn't respect you, he will not trust you. And without trust, he will always keep you at arm's length.
57 When he gives you something, always acknowledge the kindness behind the gesture, not the material item itself. Just like women can't get too much appreciation for his contribution.
58 A man's favorite word is appreciate. He wants more than anything to feel revered and valued by a woman. When she's appreciative, it motivates him to give her the world.
59 A man will not be thinking about how much he spends on you if he believes you could be "the one" In the beginning, he will be happy to pick up the tab.
60 A man who is financially comfortable but still very stingy doesn't want to give - anything. He won't want to be inconvenienced with his time, with sharing a dresser - much less a home or a life together.
61 When you move into someone else's place, you don't just give up your personal space and belongings. More important, nearly always you also lose your feeling of independence.
62 If marriage is extremely important to you and you are ready to set a wedding date, don't move in unless you have a ring and a date.
63 The biggest turn-on for a man is knowing that he is in love with a woman he can really count on, who will really be there for him.
64 Set your own timelines and limits, and leave if it's time to get out. Until then, don't let him know about your timelines or deal breakers. Then keep your eyes open and watch how he manages his 50 percent of the relationship. Then you'll get the real deal much quicker.
65 A guy who really thinks you could be "the one" will say very little about marriage. He'll be much more reserved, and will slowly open up over the course of several months, because he won't want to scare you off.
66 The more control you have over yourself, the more of a hold you will have on his heart.
67 If a man really cares, he feels vulnerable. That's when he needs a protective shield the most and that's when he'll often behave more coolly.
68 Whenever boredom sets in, simply break the routine. As soon as the routine changes, it will pique his interest and the relationship will become interesting again.
69 You have a much better chance of getting engaged when a man doesn't feel pressured into it.
70 The bitch won't allow herself to be with a man who is biding his time until something better comes along.
71 The bitch doesn't hint about marriage or ask, "Where is this going?" Instead, she hints about the removal of herself from the relationship. The word marriage never even comes up.
72 When you stand up for yourself in a dignified, feminine, and womanly way, you can get anything you want from a man. When you place a high value on yourself in the right way so will he.
73 In life, half the battle has to do with the lens you choose to see yourself through. Your fulfillment hinges on whether you see yourself through a positive lens or a negative one.
74 Men rarely take it as a compliment when you bend over backward or become too agreeable. Men want to feel special, and when you are too nice he feels ordinary, because he assumes you'd acquiesce and become a yes-person with any man.
75 He doesn't marry a woman who puts him on a throne. He marries a woman who is his equal... that special woman whom he can share all life's special moments with.

The Lyrics to My Favorite Song

2008-06-17T11:17:00.005-04:00

It's not any sort of secret that I absolutely obsessed with Coldplay, their latest album in particular. I was fortunate enough to get my hands on it almost two weeks early, thanks to my friend Brett, and let me just say that it is AMAZING! I'm torn as to which song on the album is my favorite, but so far I'm going to say Lost (Track 3), with a very close second to Lovers in Japan (Track 5) simply for it's sick piano ending that just puts a whole new spin on the entire song.

Anyways, the song Lost describes how I feel right now at this current point in my life. Figured I'd share the lyrics with you all. Chris Martin, you are amazing and talented...and I want to have your children. lol

That'll Teach Him

2008-06-16T11:33:00.004-04:00

Quickie, but still bloggable. Wait, is that even a word?

"R" Marks the Spot

This news story is fantastic...in a sadistic kind of way. Just try to picture yourself explaning that to any person that saw you without your shirt on, muchless your next girlfriend. Wow. I imagine the conversation would go something like this:
"Um, can you please tell me why you have a 4" scar shaped like an "R" on your abdomen?"...
"Oh, that's easy to explain. I slept with a girl once and never called her again. Her next boyfriend did this to me."

Awkward and Awesome. I love it!

And no article would be complete without a word from Cowboy Curtis...

If it was a man who did it to a woman, he'd be doing 15 to 20 in the state pen.
Defense lawyer James Friedman calls Caban "a good kid" who "exercised poor judgment and got herself into a bad situation."
--Yep, cops see it every day. A kid falls in with the wrong crowd, stops going to Sunday school, next thing you know, they are disfiguring former lovers with makeshift branding irons. But don't worry, HOPE! we can CHANGE! for, and CHANGE! we can HOPE! for, are on the way. Barak Obama won't let you go back to your old life of burning letters into peoples' abdomens.

It's Been a Week Since....

2008-06-12T10:32:00.005-04:00

And a very crazy couple of weeks I've had. Interesting, none the less. Surprising, without a doubt. I think that I've been venturing too much out into the shark infestation of Downtown Orlando. Actually, I'm sure that I have! My checking out reflects that fact significantly!
I've come to realize that there are people in this world, well mainly the entire male species, that I have yet to understand. I'm certainly no Steve Irwin, but I think that I might of had a run in with a Stingray in a similiar location to that, of which took Mr. Irwin's life. Does that make sense?
I guess my biggest beef is the extent to which some people will tell you exactly what you want to hear one day, and the next day do a 360 altogether. I guess if you take something from each experience, then it makes it worth it.
My lesson on this experience:
If it seems too good to be true, then it probably is. If they appear to be a Casanova, then they probably are.
With that said...
I'm kickin' up the 30 day plan again. Starting today infact!

An Aquatic Tale of Dating

2008-06-05T12:00:00.006-04:00

I know that it's taken me longer than originally promised, but here is the finished product of this manifesto. The title of this blog is an epiphany that hit me the other day when I was talking with my friend who is just getting back into the dating scene of Orlando. And that's when it hit me. (insert subtle *bing* sound.) Dating in this town is exactly like swimming in shark infested waters! But alas, part of it, could even be equivalated to maybe even a deep sea fishing adventure. It is with that in mind, that I bring to you (insert drum roll please):

AN AQUATIC TALE OF DATING

First, the shark infested waters theories:
The scene is typical.. It's 9:00 on Friday night, after a long week of work. You are standing in your Victoria's Secrets finest, (so, for the most part stark naked) infront on your looming closet. Or if you're a guy, it's boxer briefs, or perhaps just a towel after a quick shower. Whichever the case, both parties are on the same wave length. As you stand there, you are trying to figure out what collaboration of clothing you are going to adorn as you head downtown this evening to unwind. If your a female in this theory, chances are, your closet is bursting, your floor is already covered with clothes, and yet, you still call your best friend complaining that you have nothing to wear.
After contemplating what seems like the simplest decision of the evening, you make your final selection, get dressed, put the finishing touches on your hair and/or makeup, and head out the door. Cell phone & car keys in one hand, digital camera in the other.
Fast forward past the drive downtown blaring some "get you pumped for the evening music". You collectively gather with your friends at a central location, grab a few cocktails, down a few shots, and perhaps even grab a late bite to eat to line the stomach for the evenings alcohol consumption.
Sporting your evenings duds and a slight buzz, you walk down the street with your posse headed to your next destination. And that's when you encounter the shark infestation.
As you stroll along, you are in essence chumming the waters, and you are now swimming among the masses of unknown. You look your best, you're feeling pretty good, and your out to have a fun time. If you are exceptionally better looking than your counterparts, chances are you stand out among them and the rest of the crowd, and you are, my friend, a prime target for the evening.
You chose your destination, grab a drink, and stake a claim at a 3x3 section of airspace where you and your friends will set up camp temporarily as your scope the prospects that are looming on all sides. Girls are guys alike both stroll by you, some flashing a quick smile, others stopping to strike up a semi formal generic conversation that could either make or break the deal in a matter of moments. You as the new inhabitant of the water, are now in shark infested territories. It is, at that exact moment, then it becomes apparent: It's a typical Friday night for a single person in the city of Orlando.

Fast forward a few hours, a decent amount of beers/cocktails, and a few passerbys that you'd soon like to forget. You find a member of the opposite sex that has grasped your attention for the time being. Most likely it was his chiseled biceps or washboard abs. Or perhaps it was her barely covered chest and legs that go for miles that caught your attention, but either way, you've found your target, and you're now wearing the hat of a "Master Angler." This is where the fishing aspect comes into play.

TBC--My lunch hour is over.

"Slow People Are People Too, Right?"

2008-06-05T09:35:00.003-04:00

This is a repost that I took from my ridiculously funny friend Andre. He always cracks me up with his day to day experiences. Had to share this one with you all.
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Here's a comment from "Dipshit of the Day"... (which is sometimes me, but today its someone else, hehe =)

So for my new job with the Wyndam corporation, I've had to go through various hurdles like a drug test, background check, and various paperwork and certification testing with the State of Nevada before I can even begin training- which has been a pain in the ass, but for this job totally worth it.

Its been a long process, but I've passed everything with flying colors and finally starting tomorrow, so I'm excited! But today, I had to go in for fingerprinting and there was this dude there who worked for the agency and he kinda looked like like Debo the big dumbass from the movie "Friday".

Well, after speaking with him for a few minutes, he immediately establishes himself as a bit slow- which is fine, slow people are people too, right? So anyway, after I fill out some paperwork, he goes into the back room to process my background info.

Ten minutes later he walks out and asks me where I was born, which I had to clearly write down on the paperwork I gave him. I look up and tell him what I wrote down, "I was born in the city of Beltzi, in the country of Moldova".

To which he gives me a puzzled look and with all seriousness replies,

"Well, I can't find it...

Were you born anywhere else?"

"If it wasn't for people like you, I wouldn't be so smart."

-Andre

DEAR LORD! This is just absurdity!

2008-06-04T11:00:00.006-04:00

Hokay, it kind of goes without saying that living in Orlando, it’s safe to assume that I see my fair share of silicone enhancements on a consistent basis. While I do not think that every female who has them really truly needs them, I certainly, by no means, consider myself to be a prude, and really have no problems with them or anyone who gets them. Heck, as of late, I’ve even contemplated the idea for myself with the lack of “girls” that I seem to now be blessed with as a result of working out on a continual basis. (It’s a give and take apparently, lol.)
Anyways, fine, get yourself a set of saline jugs if that’s what you so desire to enhance your outer image. I will not judge you, or think differently of you, whether it be out of pure necessity or strictly vanity. The choice is still yours.
Now, with all that laid out on the table, let’s get to the article at hand.

HOLY HOOTERS!!
**Make sure you check out the photo slide show (linked on that web page) for more pics of this jewel and her ginormous breasts!!**

Part of me is tempted to just write to this woman (although most of you know that I wont actually do it) and ask her WTF is wrong with her. Let’s be serious here. These things aren’t DD’s, these puppies are 36MMM’s. Let me reiterate that, triple M’s!! Just by looking at them, I'd say that they are the equivalent to a basketball, a Thanksgiving Day Turkey, a classroom style globe, or perhaps even a small child curled up into fetal position. Why would anyone mutilate themselves to such a horrific extent? Dear Busty Maxi, your breasts are disgusting. The end.

This is a Wretched Word

2008-05-29T14:51:00.002-04:00

"Pal"
Pronunciation[pal]
noun, verb, palled, pal·ling. Informal.
–noun 1. a very close, intimate friend; comrade; chum.
2. an accomplice.
–verb (used without object) 3. to associate as comrades or chums: to pal around with the kid next door.

Men, here's a word to the wise for the day. When is the company of a woman, and the two of you are discussing your friendship, relationship, or even the tremendous amount of vile that you hold for each other, NEVER EVER use this word.

All women will agree we me on this:
We HATE this word.

"Most Likely to Appear on Cops"

2008-05-29T11:16:00.006-04:00

How would you like to have your photo associated with this less than grandiose senior superlative ??

Here is the link for the full article:
"Voted Most Likely to Appear on Cops"

And lastly, my favorite excerpt from the article:
"Her son left Jones in December to go to Mid-Florida Tech, so he isn't even part of the graduating class. While he has been arrested before, his mom said he is a good kid."

It's still a wonder to me as to how he wound up with such a reigning crown as such. The poor kid....That was total sarcasm, just incase you didn't catch that.

Back to work now, I'm crazy busy, but this was too good not to post.

For Sale: One Lying, Cheating, Adulterating, Bitch, Whore, of a Wife

2008-05-29T11:07:00.005-04:00

Ebay awesomeness at it's finest. Click on the photo to see the full posting. This is good clean UK fun.

Updates...

2008-05-19T14:20:00.004-04:00

For no particular reason at all, I'll kill the last 20 minutes of my late lunch today with some useless praddle from the mind of Mel. In no particular order, here's goes.

1) Everyone really NEEDS to checkout TuckerMax.com...there I even hotlinked it (or whatever the heck that conveniency is called) for you all to easily access. He is by far the largest scumbag I have ever come across in my entire 29 years on this planet, but he is alas also a brilliant writer and seriously entertaining. His stories are far none to anything I could EVER imagine doing in my wildest dreams. It's worth the read, I can assure you folks.

2) I think that my so called "30-day plan" has officially become a flop. It's not that I can not refrain from communication from the opposite sex, it's just that with my two week long birthday celebration and week long hiatus to the beach, I've needed to (for one reason or another) contact alleged arch enemies (aka guys) for what (I'm sure at the time) seemed like a legitimate reason. Reflecting back, only about half of those contacts were actually deemed necessary, but I'm willing to admit my faults, so whatever, I get partial credit. Perhaps I'll kick it up again on the first of June and try to be more dilligent in my efforts. Yes, I know excuses are like assholes, everyone's got one, yadda, yadda, yadda...

3) To start off my Monday morning on just the right foot, let me tell you how this glorious days started off for me. In order to make good use of the numerous Starbucks gift cards that I received for my birthday, I decided to stop at the "Holy Land" on the way to work this morning. First off, I somehow managed to score prime parking in front of the Starbucks on Park Ave that surprisingly doesn't require pole vaulting my Mazda into a tiny parallel parking spot. In addition to my sweet score on the parking spot, I walk in to see a very attractive guy with the biggest dimples ever beaming at me from behind the counter. He just kept smiling at me, and I know I was turning 4 shades of purple from blushing. Needless to say, I considered this guy to be super super cute, so much so infact that he ever got me all flustered and I nearly forgot what I was ordering, lol. As I was walking out the door, he made it a point to tell me "to have a great day, and come back to visit soon." I wanted to spin around and reply ,"you can bet your sweet ass I will."--But I refrained from doing so. Needless to say, this is horrible for my starbucks habit! :) :::sigh:::
What is it with my and always developing crushes on guys that either regularily patronize said location or now ever worse....work there!

Back to work now.

Cleanup on the Interstate: Oreo Cookies Everywhere!

2008-05-19T11:04:00.002-04:00

Fellow Readers: I am back from my week long excursion to the beach. Not much to write about, but I did manage to find this article that goes along with the theme of a couple of others from the last several weeks.

Oreo Cookies Galore!!

So it appears, that for the third time in the last month some ass jack driving an 18 wheeler has somehow managed to dump the entire contents of his semi truck all over the highway... this time the spillage is none other than double stuffed oreo cookies. And unfortuntely this calamity didn't take place in Florida, but instead on an Illinois State Highway.

So to recap in the past month the following food items have been strewn all over our nations highways:
1) A Plentiful Amount of Jello Pudding Snack Packs
2) A Shit Ton of Gatorade Bottles
3) A Hoegillion Double Stuffed Oreos

How exactly does this keep happening? If Cowboy Curtis has anything to say about it.. he'll blame the Squirrel Queda!

More stuff soon-
Mel

Only Three Words: WTF ??!!

2008-05-13T13:56:00.004-04:00

**Click on the photo and you can see this full screen in order to read what this Craigslist ad says.**
Dictionary of terms:
JO = Jerk Off
HO = ?? I havn't a clue.

"The Death of the Lady"

2008-05-13T11:28:00.004-04:00

A very valid point from my amazingly witty friend Andre4000. Reposted without his permission, but with giving full credit to him....
(Side note, I still consider myself to be very lady like about 97% of the time. The other 3% is presumably when I am completely inebriated, and in those instances..who really can be held accountable for their actions??)

--"The Death of the Lady" By Andre4000--

Remember when you were younger and you'd hear the phrase, "thats not lady-like"? What ever happened to that? What happened to lady-like? Because, frankly, I don't see it anywhere. Lady-like is as good as dead, as far as I'm concerned. At least in Southern California, because its damn near impossible to meet a woman with an idea of what "lady-like" is.

Young women these days are just as loud and obnoxious as San Quentin State Prison. It seems that everywhere you go, you're guaranteed to stumble across a perfectly good looking and possibly well dressed young lady, but with no idea of what lady-like is. You know who I'm referring to; they're the women with no class because they assume they've already bought it, or were born into it.

Well, I beg to differ. Lady-like isn't being old fashioned, its simply acting like a lady. Its being well-mannered; never forgetting thank-you's and please. Its not swearing like my buddy Bob at NASCAR. Its keeping certain details about your sex life out of conversations with people you're dining with. Its classy and respectable. Its the timeless Audrey Hepburn- the girl we envy to be or to be with. Not the naive woman screaming obscenities while in line at the DMV.

So, to the women of Southern California I say this: act "lady-like", damnit. Don't demand respect when you show none yourself. Don't demand class when you only display a lack of; and don't demand the Knight in Shining Armor when you're the village drunk. Keep it together and try being polite sometime and hold that tounge. Give it a try, I think you'll be surprised. I know I will be.

-Andre4000

Would You Mind If I Borrowed Your Underwear ??!

2008-05-08T22:57:00.004-04:00

Most of you know about a month and a half ago, my house was broken into while I was home sleeping. Seriously a really horrible feeling that wont soon be forgotten.. but I can not imagine coming home to find this...
"Can I Borrow These Underwear ??"

I can't even imagine coming home, walking through the front door to a) found out your house has been broken into, muchless b) finding out that the guy is still chillin' in your house wearing your underwear like that is something normal that everyone does....? Who the heck would do such a thing??

So, let me get this straight...you break into a house, you hang out all day, shower, make sure to follow a strict skin care regimine, and even take it so far as to borrow a pair of skinnies from your victims lingerie drawer. And then just went you don't think it could anymore odd...You proceed to "drop the kids off at the pool" in her bathroom and refuse to get up from the shitter until you are finished with your toilet business. That's just f*cking odd!

What makes this story even better is that it took place in the lovely ancient retirement community of Ocala, Florida. (Editors note: Ofcourse it would have to be from Florida.) Just another really stupendously flattering reason for our sunshine state to make the local 5'o'clock news all over the nation. Awesome.

First it was pudding cups, now Gatorade

2008-05-08T11:07:00.002-04:00

I'm pretty busy today at work, so I don't have a tremendous amount of time to devote to my usual smart ass sarcasticness that you all know and love but I had to post this one cause it ties in with the pudding cups from last week.
The link:

Cleanup on I-27, Big Gatorade Spill

Hey folks, incase you get hungry and you happen to be parusin' the highways of Florida in the next couple of days, swing by Flager County and pickup some snack packs...although they may be lacking in their pudding-rific appeal at this point, but the idea is still fun. Then swing on over to Weston grab a couple of bottles of Gatorade and Voila! You now have a complete meal for your spur-of-the-moment road trip for slightly inedible snackage.

Okay, so that wasn't all that funny, but I'm operating on little to no sleep, and I'm so hungry I'm about to gnaw off a limb. It's time to go grab some birthday lunch deliciousness. Perhaps I'll revise this blog after lunch.

Busted!

2008-05-07T14:11:00.003-04:00

Thanks to everyone's favorite cowboy for this snip it.

No words are even needed from me. CC has summed it up quite eloquently in few short phrases.

John Kerry caught checking out bosoms in a fashion reminiscent of Genghis Khan...

"Far be it from me to criticize anyone for checking out some hooters. But dude, you have to at least try to hide it."--Cowboy Curtis

Lessons of Camping--As Told By Mel

2008-05-06T00:29:00.024-04:00

So, this past weekend one of my favorite people of earth (Miss Amy Beth) took me camping for the first time in my whole entire life. Yes, I know it's sad, please let's not rehash on the fact that I am hours away from being 29, and yet this is my first experience of sleeping in a nylon dome braving the wildnerness. Anyways, enough of the formalities. I arrived back to civilization yesterday afternoon, and was proud to say that I survived an entire weekend of braving the elements. Along the fun filled weekend, I did take note of several lessons that I'd now like to share with all of my fellow coherts on the Nutshell. These are in no particular order of importance, more so in the random order as they popped into my brain.

1) All raccoons are named Rocky and Ricky, because those names just fit them nicely. Now as for their wives or lady friends of sorts, they names aren't nearly as relevant to my camping lesson, so for now, yeah, we'll skip their recognition.

2) Raccoons have cahonas the size of a large Navy battleship. They we're already coming out of the woods before dusk givin' me the evil eye most likely contemplating whether or not they were about to leap at me to eat my face off.

3) Drinking large amount of alcohol and then trying to sleep, eh... not the best idea when you wake up at 3 am and sobertize to discover a plethera of outdoor harmonious sounds that you failed to notice when you snuggled into your sleeping bag slightly inebriated only a few shorts hours before.

4) Trying to sleep au' naturel (under the stars) is virtually impossible in any campground unless you want to have your limbs gnawed off by some vermin of sorts.

5) Raccoons have spouses, and they have domestic disputes. Outside my tent. At 4 am. Which is really awesome. And I sware that I do not shreek like a little girl when I heard such arguements of mother nature.

6) Makes sure that you do not drink a boatload of liquids before you go to sleep especially if you are in a well populated camp ground. Normally I would have just popped a squat outside of my tent, but that was most definately NOT an option. For fear of a raccoon sneakin up behind me to take a bite out of my hiney, I was forced to head over to the pavillion, which proved to be a bit of a challenge as well. Why, you ask..? Because apparently there was a meeting of the round table (with the four legged forest friends of Jetty Park) atop our picnic table, conveniently located about 5 feet from where my tent was. Spectacular. Have no fear though.. as my kidneys were about to burst, they politely adjourned their meeting, and went about their lives...and I made my break for it (Maglite in hand as my weapon of choice.)

7) Do not under any circumstances leave even a morsel of food on your table when you are finished. One marshamallow skewer with a miniscule amount of sugary goodness is enough to attract on average, I'd say oh... about a HOEGILLION ants! Ants are NOT your friends while you are camping.

8) There are most definately some creepy-ass-serial-killer-looking-people walking around the Jetty Park campground. But good news, "The Lopper" was conveniently sleeping on our neighboring camp site the first evening we were there. It's still up for debate if the shim (she-him for those of you who didn't catch that) was a woman or a man, but either way, I was pretty darn scared of this cat! I'm going to assume it's pretty safe to say that he was on the run after killing his wife...and her lover. Who else goes camping by themselves??

9) The little cubby holes zipper thingies in the side of tents are not infact raccoon doors, those are actually to pass your shoes in/out when you enter and exit your tent. Pure genius I tell you.

10) If/when you consume a ridiculous amount of alcohol, it is imperative that you secure yourself and the well being of said vessel before you retire for the night. Opening a zipper, crashing on a blow up bed, entwining yourself in your super snuggly pink sleeping bag and not realizing that you left your tent door open a good 6 inches is a potential recipe for disaster with both bugs and critters. So far as I know, I was quite lucky to not meet the fate of either. But then again I was also in an alcohol induced coma, so I probably would not have even noticed until they began to drag me off into the woods to share their newfound feast with their fellow scavengers!!

So, there you have it, my favorite lessons of the weekend camping at Jetty Park. Please feel free to absord any/all of them if you chose to do so. Even pass them along to your grandchildren or great grandchildren as lessons to the wise. All in all, I had a blast, and I was so very greatful to have share my birthday fiesta weekend with three of the greatest girlfriends (and their other halves) that I could have ever ask for!!

A Real Life Version of "Don't Tell Mom The Babysitters Dead"

2008-04-30T12:40:00.008-04:00

First the link...
Dead Granny

Hokay, so let me get this straight, you and your buddy live in a house with his very old and decreped Granny and her companion pooch. From an outsiders perspective all is well. You go about your day to day chores of work, the grocery store, keeping up the yard, etc. etc. etc.

Meanwhile neither of you have fed Granny's dog in oh, let's say going on 3 or 4 weeks now and her food bowl is starting to be taken over by a new family of cockroaches who have enough food for a Thanksgiving day feast. That's the first problem with this house. No one has taken note that the dog is decaying in another room of the house. I supposed in a large enough home like that of Aaron Spelling's or similar this might be excusable for a short period of time before the stench permeated throughout the house. I doubt that is the situation here though folks. So yeah, as if the petrified pooch isn't bizaar enough, let's take this a step further, and examine the really unbelievable part of this article!

Has no one noticed that dear old Granny hasn't moved off of the couch in a couple of months and that they are maggots crawling in and out of her. (Okay, that was a bit graffic, but I'm trying to get my point across here of just how unnormal this is!!) I mean we all have our lazy days where we feel like vegging for the day, but this takes the cake! I know personally speaking, if my roomies are sick and stagnant on the sofa for more than a day, it's cause for a vital sign check just to ensure they are still processing oxygen correctly, lol. I'm going to assume that these two dudes had to have known that her time had expired, but I just don't understand the logic in not notifiying someone. If there was no harm done to her, it's pretty much a dead giveaway (no pun intended) that at the ripe ol' age of 93, she probably passed in her sleep of some natural calamity. Why on God's green earth would you cover her up on the couch and LEAVE HER THERE to rot??!! Obviously they must have wanted to collect some form of governmental funding that she was receiving, but my gosh, atleast take her out to the backyard and bury her next to her beloved four legged friend. Who, in my opinion should have been out there long ago as well. That way: a) Your house doesn't smell like royal nastyness and b) You can still collect her money if you insist on making a living in such a manner.

Can you imagine coming home each night to that smell, that's just horrific to think about in itself. Muchless if you brought a date home or something..."Oh don't mind that smell, that's just my Granny decomposing on the loveseat..." GROSS!!

Day 3--Baby Steps!

2008-04-29T14:00:00.002-04:00

Making progress today! This 30 day thing is very empowering! Perhaps I'll start a trend and others can join me. I'm getting a great deal of positive feedback on it thus far, which excites me! (Not sexually or anything you pervs!)
To be completely honest, I almost sent a text message this morning, but I thought long and hard about it, and realized it wasn't necessary or deserving.

1 Point for Melissa! Woo Hoo.

Now I need to start thinking of what my reward is going to be?

30 Day Plan--Take 2!

2008-04-28T13:06:00.005-04:00

So, a couple of you have asked...what exactly is this alleged 30 day Plan that I speak of? Wonder no more!

For those of you who have not been pertinent or privy to the continuous beating of my heart (okay that may be a bit dramatically exagerrated, but it’s funny to word it as such, so I’m leaving it) will already have a basic understanding as to why I am doing this...

First off, I will no longer tolerate another human being in my life that mutters or even contemplates voicing the words (or any variation thereof) which bares a striking resemblance to the infamous “I’m really not looking for a girlfriend or to date anyone right now.” We all know that’s a BS cop out excuse, and additionally one that I have heard way more than I care to! If you want to shut me down before you even get to know me, then please step aside. I have MORE than my fair share of amazing guy friends already and to be honest, I’m really quite tired of hearing how you just want to be friends. Call me when you get over your fears you wuss. At our age, who hasn’t been hurt !!?? Stand up, brush off the dirt, let the bruises heal (for a brief period of time) and put your big girl panties on and get back out in the game! Heck, Lord knows if I can still manage to put on my "game face" after my continous bad luck with dating, then so can everyone else!

I have just come to a breaking point where something has just really gotta give! I’m beyond frustrated with all men, and I am overly exhausted with being continuously disappointed (even by the ones that claim to be nice guys!!)

So now that you have a general idea of where this 30 day plan is coming, I’ll explain the basic guidelines.
First and foremost, I will NOT exude a single ounce of effort to make plans with any male counterparts. If you want to call me for a date, or to hangout, or even to check in on me and make sure I’m still alive and well…honestly, you know where to find me and how to contact me. My cell phone number has been the same for going on 11 years now! You really have zero excuses. Oh yeah, and for the record, we’re all busy, I’m not buyin’ that one either.

Now, let me clarify what that miniscule single ounce actually entails:
-No Calling
-No Text Messaging (Drunk, Sober or Otherwise)
-No Picture Mail
-No Emails
-No IM’s
-No Myspace Comments
-No Snail Mail
-No Singing Telegrams
-No Strapping Letters to the Backs of Pigeons
-No other various forms of communication which may have slipped my mind at the moment

Now, just to clarify this does not mean that I am swearing off men entirely, or that I am going to join a lesbian softball team. It simply means that I am done taking the initiative when it comes to the dating game. If someone calls me and wants to meet up for drinks, dinner, or whatever may be the case, I welcome and encourage the invitation. But to clarify, I will also not rearrange my schedule or change plans to accommodate plans (or potential plans) with said guys. I am not turning into super bitch, and I am not conducting séances at my house or hexing any ex that’s ever done me wrong, it just means that I will not pursue anyone or chase after then for attention like a lost puppy. I’m better than that, and I know that I deserve better than that. For the first time in a long time, I’m leaving the mercy of my dating life to the “big guy” up above.

Other stipulations of this 30 day plan that I did not previously mention are quite simple. If you call me first (and leave a voicemail) I will graciously return the call. If you send me a text, most like I will respond. If I run into you while I am out and about, I will most definitely not snub you because that’s not who I am…so long as you take the first step to talk to me I will reciprocate the friendly gesture. Dually noted is that if I break my 30 day plan, the rule is that I have to start all over from Day 1 on the following day. I actually started on the 24th, but without realizing it broke it on Saturday (the 26th) so I had to start over again on the 27th.

Lastly, the following people are excluded from the 30 day plan: Obviously my 2 roomies, my 2 brothers and 2 of my closest guy friends. (You know who you are!)

The next 29 days are going to be quite interesting….

May I Present To You: "The Hawaii Chair"

2008-04-25T10:03:00.010-04:00

My loyal readers:
For your Friday morning humor...you're going to love this!!

Unfortunately I can not directly link the video to play on my page, so I have to give you the link instead.

Ellen Degeneris Test Outs the Hawaii Chair

Off the top of my head, I'm torn as to what this resembles most:

a) A very suburbian bullriding chair
b) A sex toy chair for newlyweds
c) An at home training chair for how to become a pultergeiss movie star (in just 3 easy steps, lol)

Holy crap, whichever one it can be classified as, the end result is still the same; Ellen demonstrating the usage of this contraption takes the cake for funniest thing I've seen this week! You can't help but to laugh hysterically when she pours the water and trys to work in it like she's in an office! And it's not like Ellen is terribly out of shape or anything, b/c the other girl gets on and looks equally as awkward. Kudos to the maker of this contraption for giving all of America a much needed laugh.

The likelyhood of anyone getting a workout on this is debateable so far as my trained eye can see...severe neck pains or an unaligned spinal cord, possibly even whiplash...YES... but a workout..? Um, the verdict is still out on that one!

I'll be totally honest here folks, if I walked into an office and saw a secretary using one of these, I'd probably choke on my gum, or pee in my pants from laughing so hard! Or if some manager within my company was nonchaulantly using one of these during a staff meeting there isn't a chance in hell I would be holding any sort of composure.

Furthermore, why in the hell are they calling it a "Hawaii Chair" in the first place? Do you win a free trip to Hawaii with the purchase of one? In that case, I'll take a dozen...no better yet, make that a baker's dozen...TO GO please!

My only other though... how much exactly does one of these beauts (incase you didn't catch my lingo that's short for beautys) cost ??

Special Thanks to my Nic for sending this to me this morning. I love your life!

Hello Jello!

2008-04-24T11:10:00.005-04:00

One Big Freakin Mess!!

This has to be quick, but it was blog worthy none the less...

I just had the funniest scenario ever pop into my head when I thought of this scene.

(First get a visual of a man using his blue tooth headset, kneeling down on the ground, eating pudding and/or Jello off of the asphalt with a recycled fast food plastic spoon, or whatever home made utensil he can conjure up from the glove box of his car.) Awesome!

"Um, I'm going to be a little late into work this morning, I'm currently indulging in a nutrition filled breakfast of Jello Snack Packs on the shoulder of I-95."

Additionally... thats a large amount of dairy messyness on the highway. That oughta smell nice and ripe by I'd say... oh about high noon today. YUM! Word to the wise, if you are drivin' thru Flagler County on I-95 for the next few days, turn your A/C off and windows up!

Who Says Pot is Harmless?

2008-04-23T23:10:00.003-04:00

Here's the article...
Pot Smoker Pumps Gas

So this article is pretty short, and I only have a few things to say but they are all valid questions.

1) I've know some pretty big stoners in my lifetime, but Jesus H, how much bowls do you have to burn in order to think it's okay to pump gas into an imaginary car??!!

2) After a moment of the gas splashing the ground wouldn't that be enough time to realize that maybe, just maybe you were hallucinating to the point where you realized there wasn't actually a car sitting in front of you??

3) Due to our less than superb economical state, most gas pumps are prepaid now..correct? Ok. So, I'm going to assume the obvious that our mentally challenged friend Josh probably didn't walk inside to pay cash, b/c the gas station attendant would have noticed the lack of vehicular substance located at pump number ___(fill in the blank.) So, by process of elimination, this dude also had to go thru the steps of entering his PIN # and other pertinent information on the keypad before the started to juice up his pretend ride.

4) No one else around him noticed anything a bit peculiar when this cat walked up to the pump obviously lacking one of the key crucial elements to be at a gas station in the first place??

and lastly....

5) WTF? Can you imagine what would of happened to this guy had he tried to light up another joint while he was pumping his gas. WOW.

Congratulations Joshua L. Moore you might quite possibly be the largest stoner east of the Mississippi!

Special Thanks to Cowboy Curtis for rootin up this awesome article!

"Are You Sure It's Not An Iguana Maam?"

2008-04-23T22:37:00.003-04:00

I figured my page needed some humor again. So here it is that sweet Maybel (I havn't a clue what her real name is, so I'm going to call her Maybel since it's my blog and I can do that) Anyways, getting back to my story. Maybel and Ethel are upstairs in their lovely 2 story house located in the sunny southern Florida when they hear something coming from downstairs. She think "Is is a cat burgular..?" or perhaps it's their precious cat playing in the kitchen? Nope, dear sweet Maybel decides it's too loud to be her friendly feline, so she tiptoes downstairs to see what all the ruckess is. And that's when she spots it! Right smack dab in the middle of her kitchen is a flippin' Alligator! And I don't mean a tiny foot long gator either folks, we're talking a hormonal raging female alligator measuring in at almost 9 feet...just chillin' in her kitchen like it's an everyday occurence or something. I'm gonna be honest, I'm pretty sure if I walked out and saw that I would probably just piddle right there on the floor right after I screamed like a little girl for a solid 2 minutes easily. So, she does what any normal rational person would do living in South Florida does in time of crisis, she picks up her phone and dials 9-1-1. She tells the operator what little reptile she's found looking for a handout in her pantry. My favorite part of the whole news clip is what the operator says.."Are you sure it's not an iguana maam?" I love it. What person who has lived in Florida for even a milisecond doesn't recognize an alligator ?? I mean really. Dude, if she's calling you telling you that she's got an alligator in her kitchen, it's pretty safe to assume that she probably can verify that it is infact the correct identification! I love silly articles like this. They help to clear my head. Watch the video below for a chuckle, the conversation between the 9-1-1 operator and Maybel is brief, but most definately humorous.

Love your Life (and be glad you don't have gators takin' up residency in your casa!)

The Truman Show

2008-04-22T23:27:00.012-04:00

I might not be as funny as Jim Carey, but damnit I still feel as if I'm stuck in my own version of the Truman Show!!

This will be quick b/c I need to get to bed.. but I just want to once again express my frustrations on men. I sware to God, I think that they are all the same. Every last one of them. I'm about 99% sure that between the years of 1980 and 1984 mother nature produced an abundance of the males species who were all preprogrammed with a genetic mutation which makes them either "emotionally unavailable" or "not in a position to date." Which in simpler terms might as well be "I think you are a nice girl, but I just don't want to date you for X, Y & Z reasons." (Of which I will also never tell you.)

Incase you are wondering where this came from, my blog that I wrote last week about uncertainties with a certain person have been unfortunately answered. As I'm sure you can guess, I've just added yet another guy friend to my ever growing collection of them occupying the contact list of my cell phone. I'm contemplating if possibly I can start to sell some of the less deserving ones off on eBay or maybe even trade them in for my summer school textbook that I need to purchase. :::sigh::: I sware I'm about 10 minutes away from giving up on all men.. I think that I just need to stop giving a damn about their feelings! I'm tired of wearing my heart on my sleeve. I'm learning that it's kinda like wearing a red shirt with a target painted on your stomach. You are just giving any male species with a penis the appropriate location for which they should punch you at...as all of their predecessors have previously done as well.

You know, I'm not really sure how it's fair to me to continously hear the same damn thing over and over and over again!! I'm so discerned by it, I don't even want to discuss it anymore. Maybe I ate children in my last life or skinned kittens of their fur, I mean really there has to be something to begin to explain this shit-ass dating karma that has forever surrounded my life for the past 9 years. I mean it's not even funny to joke about anymore, it's upsetting.

I think that I have decided I'm giving up on men for awhile again!! I'll re-shift my focus to the gym and my education which are both more beneficial to me in the long run. Right now, so far as I'm concerned guys are pretty f*cking useless and not at all beneficial to me for even the slightest miniscule aspect of my life!!

A Continuation of My Inner Being

2008-04-18T12:49:00.005-04:00

Started: Friday April 18th, 2008...
I'm obviously wasting my lunchtime away typing away on my laptop, but I have a few more thoughts on moi, so here I am. I know, I know... it's like Christmas. Three from me in one day!

I think I'm noticing a trend in my dating life. It bothers me the more that I think about it, but I really don't know how to correct it either. For such a long time I have blamed my lack of boyfriends ( total count for the past 9 years would be zero!!) on the everlasting long list of losers that have adorned my dating career. Well I don't know if I would call it a career, but for the sake of this rant, it's a career. It's my blog, I can do what I want. Back to my topic. I sware that I have ADD sometimes. So...as I was getting my ass kicked the other night by an iTrain workout, it dawned on me ***ping*** (I sware the noise went off in my head too.) I think that I don't know how to date anymore. I mean, I can obviously throw on a short skirt, a sexy top and stillettos and sip of an overpriced glass of wine with the opposite sex, but it's the bigger picture that seems to give me trouble. Like the part that comes after we have a connection or a couple of great first dates. I get very impatient, I will admit that I am an instant gratification girl and if I see something that I want, and there appears to be a potential there my female thought processes go into overdrive. It's really not any fun to have that mindset of having to achieve something. I think it's like this. From the time I was born, I've always gotten what I've wanted. So when a guy expresses interest, and we have a connection, go out a couple of times, I tend to get ahead of myself and automatically want the whole kitten caboodle. I don't like the unknown, I hate not being sure of myself, second guessing if I guy will call, or even knowing if he's truly interested in me or not. I think it's partly b/c it's been so long since I've had that sense of security that I deeply long for it. It surrounds me at every avenue in my life with my friends, my family, my girlfriends... :::sigh::

Lunchhour is over, I'll continue this later.

Picking back up: Monday, April 21st...
Hokay, so after a few more days of contemplating over this dilemma, I have come to the realization that maybe I do have a problem. And the problem is this...From the time I was a little girl, my life has been filled with dissapointments from most every man that has ever come into my life. It started with my father, or should I say the lack thereof. It's escalate thru a series of serious boyfriends in my late teens and early 20's until I hit my breaking point with the label of "boyfriend." Now, don't get me wrong, I've briefly dated a vast array of men since the age of 20 or 21, but I think that I'm stuck in a state of failure to launch. In essence, I had my "aha" epiphany last week, and now I need to work towards a solution...although I'm not sure how to get there. Everyone says I'm a great girl, and I know that I am as well, it's what I pride myself on infact. But my problem isn't gaining the attention of males, it's keeping my cool once I've enticed them. I know part of it is a game of cat and mouse and keeping the chase.. but my problem is the unsurity. I know that it's an insecurity of mine, and while I don't have many this is the one that I can not seem to overcome. The bottom line is this: I have zero faith in guys. It's true. I no longer get excited for dates, or special events, or any fun activities that involve guys b/c 99.9% of the time those plans never follow thru, and honestly I'm a little tired of the let downs. So in conclusion, I've now come to terms with what might the room cause of my forever being stuck in this land of singledom, I just don't know how to amend it. It seems that I'm just not good at dating. Bottom line. I can walk the walk, talk the talk, but at the end of the day, I always end up screwing it up somehow, whether it be subliminal or otherwise. I need someone to keep me grounded during those times of uncertainty because I'm pretty sure that I'm not capable of doing this on my own.
I dunno, I'm going in circles, I think a big part of me just wants to have someone who loves me and that I can love in return. It's been an eternity since I've had that, but I'm really not sure where to start either. :::sigh:::

"God told her to do it"

2008-04-18T12:26:00.004-04:00

While there is a definate chance I am going to go straight to hell for remarking on this woman's obvious lack of mental stability, it's too perfect not to...
Topless Woman Directs Traffic

So here you are driving down Euclid street in Deland on a sunny beautiful Thursday afternoon. As you continue to drive, you near the intersection of Euclid and Orange Ave,, and that's when you see it, every man's fantasy! A topless woman directing traffic! But as luck would have it, this woman isn't nearly as tantalizing as the average person would think from just reading the first couple of lines in the article. Turns out she was also foaming at the mouth, obviously out of her right (and left) mind, and screaming "God told her to do it."... yes all in addition to this she is also directing traffic at said intersection (or atleast making a feeble attempt to.) Obviously, shortly thereafter the cops showed up, took her into a squad car and brought her over to a mental institute where she is currently residing.

So, the full story isn't nearly as humorous as when I first glanced at it. I often have to wonder how do people get to this mental capacity without any of their family members getting an inclination that they might not be well? That makes me sad. I wish I could write something more commical on this, but ultimately that would make me a horrible person, and I try to steer clear of earning that reputation.

So, in order to make mends for posting this, tonight I'll say a prayer for the poor dear, and hope that she receives the help that I do believe she is desperately in need of. Whether it be from God or a skilled psychiatrist, I hope that she is able to turn her life around.

Okay, okay, just one wise remark, and then I'll leave the subject alone. Promise. I wonder if she put on sunscreen before she started stripping at the intersection, otherwise there is a damn good chance that with zero cloud coverage yesterday, that her ta-ta's might be a bit sunkissed today. (Ouch!)

Love your life

A little Friday banter on the scary scary Carrot Top

2008-04-18T09:50:00.003-04:00

So, my amazingly fantastic (and sexy, lol) friend Chelle always torments me about Carrot Top since we used to see him at our gym when we would work out together. She posts pics on my comments on "The Space" (as I like to refer to it as) and she thinks it's funny. I must admit, I give her credit for her creativity, but still, just looking at him makes my retinas burn on occassion. So, on this Friday morning, just for a brief moment I'd like to express my feelings on him, and well furthermore how much he bothers me.

He runs around the gym jumping from machine to machine, making noises so loud that I hear them over my ipod! He's a strange character no doubt! I really hate that everyone gives him special treatment at the gym, which is in my opinion BS! He has makeup tattooed on his face, and all this weirdo plastic surgery. Not to mention his upper body is that of a body builder, and his lower body resembles.. well a 5 year old. Its not normal. Plus he parks his fancy Mercedes SUV in the handicapped spot and besides being grossly unproportioned, he really isn't handicapped at all!

I feel a lot better now that I got that off my chest. Back to work now. TGIF!

Quick & Dirty

2008-04-17T11:27:00.007-04:00

The title is rather appropriate.. it's a quick blog, and strippers are dirty. It's pretty clever if you think about it.
Anyways, here's an article on 3 guys who decided to open fire with paintball guns targetting strippers as they were dancing on stage!!

Paintball Shooter

My immediate reaction is this...what heterosexual male (or group of males for the sake of this story) goes into a strip club and open fires with paintballs at these exotic dancers? (Just trying to be "PC" or politcally correct :) Um, last time I checked typically most men turn into a hormonal raging chihuahuas that wants to hump your leg the moment you get past the bouncer. Furthermore, how did these guys get past the ginormous guy who is "The almighty protector of the pole goddesses?" That is what I don't understand??

Lastly, here's a little interjection from everyone's favorite cowboy... Cowboy Curtis--

Why don't they ever have pictures for the really interesting stories? And where were they hit? A paintball in the leg will hurt, but I bet one in the hooter is a whole different level of pain. Inquiring minds want to know.

Break the Habit

2008-04-14T23:00:00.011-04:00

So, to break the chain of the most of my typical postings of late (although they are quite entertaining no doubt..) I'll write about me for a change.

Random thoughts currently going thru my head, we'll call this the to-do list portion of the blog.:
Today is Tuesday, April 14th, taxes are due tomorrow. Already got those done, check. Kristy's wedding is this Saturday, need to be super dilligent with the gym this week in order to succesfully maneuver into the super amazing dress that I'm wearing. Otherwise I'm going to wind up wearing a potatoe sack instead, strictly out of punishment to myself. School is almost over, that's awesome. I'm rockin this semester, and with 3 solid A's I'm seriously going to boost my GPA. Hoorah for that!! Need to get registered for summer school this week as well, there's another cha-ching in my bank account. :::sigh::: I just need to figure out what class I am going to take this summer, perhaps Algebra, although that's probably not the smartest idea. Maybe a science class? Hmm... I killed myself at the gym tonight, which is well needed since I've only been making it about 3x/week lately. It's tough to juggle everything this month! Damn April babies and weddings. Actually as of today, it looks like my schedule wont free up until the middle of May. But two of those weekends are camping and beach vacay which are SERIOUSLY needed!!
Alright enough of that boring jibberish, I feel better now that I wrote all that down somewhere, perhaps it was a brain wave cleansing of sort.

So, onto the more fun portion of my mind....
Men. Boys. Guys. Whatever.
Have you ever wondered how some people can come in and out of your life at just the precise moment, and change a series of events? Or even change your long lasting opinion of them? Late last year and old flame (from back before the dinosaurs were roaming the earth) came back into my life for a short period of time. In that brief span of several weeks (give or take) I learned so much and I now realize just how much I grew interpersonally as a result! Firstoff, if it didn't work 10 years ago, it probably isn't going to work now either. Point and case made with that first lesson, which really is the most important one anyways. But the blast from the past was not without some revisted feelings of said male and a curiousity for why our paths realigned. Ultimately it gave me the closure that I have needed for quite sometime, but could never seem to obtain. All in all, it was a successful reunion, even for the short instance that it lasted. So, to you, you know who you are....if you happen to be reading this... THANK YOU for making it so easy to finally blow out that candle that has been burning in my window for entirely too long. Although you didn't do anything too heinous in comparison with some of the assjacks I have had the awesome pleasure of dating, you said just the right things to me that I needed to hear to close your chapter once and for all.

Moving right along to a more positive aspect of the colloborations of my current mental process. This is also a revisitation of someone who I had the pleasure of getting to know last year. I honestly can not even tell you why we stopped talking, but I'd say it probably had something to do with a job relocation for him and loosing touch in the interim. Anyways, I'm rambling. I don't quite know how to process the situation as of yet, because it is still developing, but I will say that my text messaging count has skyrocketed in the past two weeks after running into him. I'm so vague tonight, please pardon the informalities, but I'm not writing to bash or boast people, so names are not necessary. Anyways, this individual possesses qualities to me that speak magnitudes in my book. Although the reciprocation of his views on me, is still a bit perplexing to me at the moment. Firstly, his humor...which is by far top rate a conversation with him is typically filled with more witty one liners than an episode of the Tonight Show. Secondly, the level of intelligence that he possesses... nothing else that I need to say besides super sexy. And lastly, his overall character is just that of a really good person. Everyone should have someone like him around. I mean if you think about today's world, good people are few and far between these days, although I'm blessed in having to pleasure of knowing quite a few myself.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not all googly eyed, printing wedding invitations or any of that nonsense, I'm simple saying that I am happy to be in contact with this person once again, and curious to see what (if anything) will come of this. I hate to be pessimistic, but after having my heart stomped on more time in the past year that I care to elaborate on, I think that I'm about due to find a nice guy for a change. If I understood men a little better, I probably a) wouldn't be up at 11:30 at night pondering what someone's thoughts might be and b)probably wouldn't possess quite so many pessimistic thoughts in my brain right now.

Please let the record show that I'm not looking for any kind of overnight romantic love affair, but having an inclination of certain things would be helpful too. I guess I'm just trying to differentiate if I am misconstruing a friendly-friend reconnection as something more or is there a possibility of this developing into something else. Sometimes I think there maybe a connection with me, and yet other times I get a little discouraged. I don't press the issue, b/c I know that just makes all men run for the hills, which is the absolutely LAST thing I want to do in this situation. You know, it reminds me of those notes that pre-pubescent boys/girls exchanged on the playground during recess back in grade school. They were always fashioned in the same manner too.
Dear __________,(scan down to the middle of the notebook sheet of paper)

DO YOU LIKE ME?
Circle Yes or No.

Love,

________________

I know that at the age of (EEK) almost 29 that probably isn't the best plan of action in this predicament, but it certainly would make it a bit easier for me to understand what this reunionization is all about.

I hate to be Frank (dear lord, let's not rehash on that name ever again...) but I'm not a guy friend collector. I've really honestly met my quota of really great guy friends to have in my life. I'm tired of being put firmly into the "friend status".. plain and simple. Because the truth of the matter is, 9 times out of 10 the opposite sex puts you into that catagory to save face (and your feelings) because you are lacking in some quality that they desire in their potential boyfriends/girlfriends. Saying that you just want to be someone's friend... yeah it's really a selfish way of getting yourself out of a possibly sticky situation, and a cowardess way of doing so.

So lets recap on tonight's blurbs. While my life is stressful, jam packed and going awesome in most aspects, there is a certain someone on my mind just enough to peak my curiousity as to what he's thinking. It's midnight, I'm sleepy and I'm definately going to need a Sugar Free Red Bull in the morning.

Much love to my loyal readers, I promise to have a rebuttle of something fun filled and humorous tomorrow to make up for the Dear Abby (to myself) section of my blog. Watch the Ninja Turtle video below, that's a way to cleanse your mind of my 20 something man rants, lol. Ewwww.. 20 something man rants, I'm going to have to use that title for the next time I feel like writing about the opposite sex.

This is a Real Life Ninja Turtle!

2008-04-14T16:40:00.003-04:00

I gotta give it to this turtle, he's got an iron will! Clearly this cat is 5 or 6 times his size, but he's a Ninja Turtle if ever I've seen one! And from watching this video, it's quite apparent that he gets pissy when felines frolick on his greens! You have to watch the video to appreciate it!

THIS brings new meaning to the phrase "two faced"

2008-04-10T22:05:00.012-04:00

To keep consistent with all my other postings, click here first:
WTF ??!!

Now, there isn't much I can say about this article, besides the absolutely obvious that instantaneously comes to mind... WTF ??!! You click on the article, and it's just alarming to see the picture of that baby with two faces, literally! Even more bizarre is that these cats (figuratively speaking) over in India are worshipping !! this baby as a "Hindu Goddess." While I will admit I am terribly lacking in knowledge for the Hindu religion and culture, I openly admit to having a pair of very functional eye balls that are (without a doubt) seriously alarmed by this photo!! At first it's the shock factor, and then the questions race thru your mind. I'm sure it's the same story for "all of my loyal readers" (a.k.a. Thais :) once you clicked on the link.

For the record, please don't get me wrong, I am certainly not a heartless person who doesn't recognize the obvious genetic malformation on this poor child..Or realize the undeniably truth...that this child will no doubt be tormented her entire life for said abnormality. While I don't think Lali should be locked away in a closet of a small farmhouse in a rural area of Saini Sunpura (wherever the hell that is), I do not think that she should receive so much publicity via the world wide web at the extremely virginal age of only a month old. It's only going to take a toll on her once she is old enough to understand the constant jeering that she will undoubtedly receive by her peers most of her life. Kids are cruel, let's face it, I'm only stating the obvious.

So yeah, India now has a two faced baby, and they are worshipping it as a goddess, and I stil find myself asking the same question over and over.. WTF? How can one stare at that baby for more than 10 seconds. Perhaps it's like a bad car wreck, you know when some people just can't look away. Maybe it's like that. I think it has to be...I really can't think of another logical explanation.

Dear Victoria's Secret, I'm suing you!

2008-04-07T22:39:00.007-04:00

This one is more for the ladies, but I still found it commical either way.

Woman claims injury from Victoria's Secret Bra

Personally speaking, I can attest to wearing an uncomfortable bra or two in my lifetime, especially those of the strapless kind. I'm convinced those bad boys were made by a man who was very angry with his wife. No doubt. But either way, my whole point is this: If your bra starts to bother you, you can either take it off, tuck it in your purse and call it a day, or worst case scenario is your shirt isn't conducive to going braless, you put some tape or a paper towel, a band aid, TP, really anything to pad the area that is bothing you. How do you let it go to the point that it leaves a 3 inch long gash that is a 1/4 inch deep on your breast without you noticing it? Don't you think that a cut of that magnitude would produce a substantial amount of bleeding? Furthermore, wouldn't you feel something like that? I dunno, maybe that's just me ..?
And while we're on the topic of this woman suing Victoria's Secret, lets also remember that this 'alleged boob mutilating bra' was also 3 years old. A 3 year life span for a bra is a pretty decent life span so far as I'm concerned. The eulogy at it's funeral would probably go something like this: "The bra had a good life of hugging the breasts of Jessica, they were the best of friends. Often times they went out together downtown, and spent hours on end getting very close to each other."
It's quite a sad fact actually that you pay $40 for something to hold your breasts in place with the hopes that you are going to look like one of those bombshells that graces the cover of those catalogs that kill the average woman's self esteem each week when they arrive in the mail (yet you still continue to shop from them, so they keep coming..) anyways, I'm trailing off on another tangent. What I was trying to say is that you spend a decent amount of money on a bra from there, very well knowing that after you wash it the first time it's never going to look as good as it did when you brought it home. Depending on how often you wear it and wash it, it's only inevitable that one day you'll hear the dryer buzzer sound, and when you walk out to the laundry room you find that the underwire has seperated from the bra. It's the worst feeling ever, b/c now you have a bra, with zero underwire, that is pretty much no longer useful to your Tyra Banks aspirations so long as it is sans the magic wand of cleavage lifting (aka underwire.)

In conclusion I feel that if you keep a bra for that long, it stabs you in the dairy cannon, and you don't realize it until it's such a gigantic lesion that you feel it necessary to sue the makers of the bra... well then you are just an idiot. Congratulations, you are a moron, and you probably deserved it. If you want to sue Victoria's Secret for something...perhaps try suing them for putting together magazines full of perfectly airbrushed woman that make even Nicole Richie a little self conscious. Not because you stabbed yourself talking off their bra!!

You know what I just realized, my last two articles have both been centered around a woman's breasts. That doesn't say much to back my heterosexuality now does it? lol

How exactly does this happen?

2008-04-03T11:02:00.006-04:00

First the link...
Woman Surprised to Wake Up and Find She's Gotten New Implants!

So let's disect this for a minute shall we? You go to your doctor, you tell him that you've triumphantly successfully completed Richard Simmons fat camp, but the truth is likely that you ate yourself to a hefty 400 lbs and then begged the government to pay for your gastric bypass b/c you were close to death and couldn't afford to pay for the surgery yourself.
Either way, you've lost a boatload of weight and now as a result have a plethera of extra flabby skin hanging from your body, so you decide to see a plastic surgeon to help you to look like a svelt 33 year old once again. You have a consultation, he describes the procedure, a little snip here, a little tuck there, a few sutures later and voila! You're a new wrinkle free 33 year goddess who now resembles a cross between Frankenstein (from all the scars) and Jenna Jamison. Fast forward to the day of surgery. Every surgical procedure that I have ever had involved a pre-op consultation, but perhaps they do things differently in Germany.. I dunno.

But from watching a plentiful amount of plastic surgery shows on TLC, Discovery Channel, and the Discovery Health Channel I know one thing is for certain... When the doctor starts drawing lines all over your girl parts on your chest, it a) isn't a kinky hospital sex game and b) he isn't trying to play tic-tac-toe with you. He's measuring you and drawing guidelines to ensure that the end result is a perfectly symmetrical set of silicone "girls." Therein lies my confusion..!!?? Did they administer the sleepy time drugs to her before they drew hopscotch all over her chest, or is the woman just plain ignorant all together? My point is this..if you wake up with a giant set of hooters that you didn't want to begin perhaps you should begin to realize that 99% of men look at your chest in the first place! You ate yourself to obesity, then wanted a miraculous new body which was to make you more attractive to (I'm assuming) the other sex, so you got it, what the hell is the problem here? Am I missing something? You are obviously on the same level of brain functionality as that of a 5 year old girl if you didn't realize that you were getting breast implants. Sueing a hospital for your lack of intelligence in comprehending that you were getting a new set of jugs? I mean really, who does that??!! In the spirit of the great words of Cowboy Curtis.. atleast this woman's vote doesn't count towards the fate of who runs our country!!

Husband Prego with Child--WTF !!??

2008-03-25T13:23:00.004-04:00

While I do not have the time to comment on this article right now... I will this evening. In the meantime, check out this link... you wont believe it until you read it for yourself!!

U.S. Man Claims to be Prego

Another Article on the Prego Guy

What is the 'Going Rate' for a Cornflake These Days?

2008-03-20T09:25:00.003-04:00

Click on this link to see it for yourself!!
Cornflake Shaped Like Illinois

Well incase you were wondering, yes, it's true as of 9:25 am someone in this world is willing to pay $1,026.00 for a cornflake shaped like the state of Illinois. And no, that dollar amount is NOT a typo. I think it's pretty sad that there are thousands of people in this world can not pay their mortgage right now b/c our economy is in such shambles thanks to our "super stellar" President George W. Bush, yet some fool is willing to part with a grand for a flake of grain.

I'm not even sure what else I can say about this. $1,000 for an oversized piece of breakfast cereal, unfreakinbelievable!

And another thing, what the heck are you going to do with said cornflake after you pay a hoegillion dollars for it?

Lastly, take a look at the photos of said cornflake, especially the one with the three girls in it...I'll wait patiently while you re-click on the link.....

Now, is that not the largest cornflake you have ever seen in your entire life??!! I think the whole thing is a hoax!! I know when I eat my tasty frosted treats each morning, they are always about the size of a dime, not 5x the size of a dime. Are those hybrid cornflakes or perhaps genetically mutated flakes?

Special thanks to Andre4000 for this fascinating news article this morning!

Cowboy Curtis' Views on Hybrids

2008-03-19T16:32:00.004-04:00

This rant stems from an articles published today that is probably enough to send every tree hugger in the U.S. into a tail spin, and off to the grocery store to stock up on more of those recycled eco-friendly grocery bags. (Sidebar--Whats the rage with those lately anyways??!!)
Apparently a new road test shows that a BMW 5-series gets better mpg than a Toyota Prius. Well if that isn't pie on the face of the auto execs at the Toyota plant, then I don't know what is. Let's hear it for all the owners of Prius' around the nation.
a) You bought an ugly car that resembles a turd
b) You spent an assload of $$ on said vehicle
c)You could have bought a BMer and been better off to begin with.

That makes me chuckle!

Here is the article:

BMW 5 Series Beats Out the Toyota Prius

And now CC's rant....

"And have you noticed that all the networks are trying to have the "hip" characters drive these things. Well, they can have every cool actor, athlete, scholar, and playmate on earth drive them, and you know what? Each one will look like a doofus driving a shoebox with wheels. Driving one of these eco-dorkmobiles is like eating a banana, you simply cannot do it without looking ridiculous (well, playmates excepted).

Really, if you are a guy, what are your chances of actually getting a real live girl to sleep with you when you drive something like this. No sober, non-hippie woman with an ounce of self respect is going to debase herself like that.

Dude, have some self respect! Driving a hybrid, you might as well wear a sign saying you've been neutered."

Mid Day on a Wednesday

2008-03-19T12:42:00.005-04:00

I have a few extra mins before I have to be back from lunch, so I figured I might as well type away. I figure the more that I can get into a routine, the easier it will be to remember to keep this updated on a more consistent basis.
I had an impromptu lunch with my Taracakes today. While I did not need the extra calories from Panera, I do always welcome QT with any of my bestest friends, so over to the Ave. we wandered for lunch. Standard issue lunch that I always get was delish as always. On my journeys I did take note of the cutest prego woman ever, and I made sure to tel her that as well, because in all honestly, who doesn't like being told that they are cute? Although typically when I hear someone telling me that I'm cute they are a degenerate missing a large portion of their teeth and they usually make it a point to throw out some sort of sexist remark that I would imagine is a feeble attempt at a compliment. Gosh how I love my life sometimes.

I filled up my car with gas in Eatonville last night which proved no differently to the above forementioned instances that usually bless my day-to-day life. I had a gentlemen that looked like he has not showered in oh, I'd say about 3 weeks tell me that I was a "10", and he did so by holding up both hands. I was tempted to ask him if that's how hy typically goes about picking up the ladies, but I went about my business rushing to get the hell outta dodge as quickly as possible. Folks of Eatonville are a little scary as it is, but I was desperate for gas, and I had no choice but to stop. Next time I'll run the risk of running out and pay the extra $.05/gallon elsewhere.

Back to work now. Love you life.

While I am Typically All About Consistency in My Life

2008-03-19T09:41:00.005-04:00

There are certain aspects of my life that need not be consistent...well mainly just one in the past couple of days and by that I mean this friggin' Migraine that I CAN NOT for the life of me get rid of. I've tried Advil, Tylenol, Aleve, and all three types of Excederin. Last night it got so bad my head was pulsing and it took everything in me to keep the nautious feeling from making me loosing my dinner. I just don't understand how I am supposed to get rid of this headache? I don't feel sick anymore, I'm still a skotch congested but nothing that even warrants a tissue, so what gives? If this thing does not subside by tomorrow, I'm going to go to my really pleasant (aka bitchy) PCP (that's primary care physican) and request that she remove the tumor from my brain that must be developing at a rather alarming rate. Totally kidding about the tumor thing, but b/c of my history with Epilepsy, it warrants a trip to my doctor. In the words of the great governor of Cali Ahhhhnold Schwartzenegger..."It's notta tuma."
But dear god, whatever the hell it is, please make it go away! That is all for now. Need to be productive today at work. Much Love!

How is it possible that someone like this has a boyfriend ??

2008-03-18T16:23:00.007-04:00

You must first read this article, if nothing else just for the sheer shock factor and amusement that you will obtain.

Woman Sits on a Toilet for 2 Years!!

Now, I propose two questions to you all, my fellow readers:
1) How is it that a woman who spends two years on a shitter (pardon my french) can manage to score a boyfriend, yet I am sittin' over here as "Miss Sally single ??" I mean really...she sits on a toilet for 2 years, and somehow managers to have a better sex life than I do? And yes, I realize that I just posted that for the entire world wide web to read. I'm obviously very concerned with what others think of me, lol.

2) How do you allow someone to sit on said "throne" for almost 2 years before you decide that maybe, just maybe she isn't well? I mean, if my significant other (hypothetically speaking ofcourse) was in the bathroom for anything more than 2 hours I'd probably be calling in backup to make sure they were okay. So 2 hours pass, 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months.. 2 Christmas', etc. You get my point. All along you just continue to wander down the hall 3 times a day to bring her meals like it's all the rage this season. And by all the rage I mean to bring your obviously-not-well-girlfriend all of her meals as she hibernates in the potty room perched on the porcelain god.

Some people really baffle the hell outta me.

Thanks to Cowboy Curtis for forwarding me this article. Your abundance of free time to surf the web for the craziest articles ever so that you can forward them onto me makes life worthwhile!

In The Words of my Favorite Attorney Cowboy Curtis

2008-03-18T13:27:00.002-04:00

His review of Barack Obama's attempt at saving his chances for the Presidency:

He did all that he really could do. He brings up slavery, Jim Crow, that his grandma raised once said something mean about black people, and that now is a time for unity.

And its all a red herring. He isn't in trouble because whitey is out to get him, or because Jeremiah Wright says crazy stuff.

He's in trouble because for over 20 years, he's been a member of that church. A church where:
- The preacher curses America.
- The preacher curses white America.
- The preacher claims that FDR knew about Pearl Harbor, and let it happen anyways, just so the US could kill yellow people.
- The preacher claims the United States created the AIDs virus to kill off black people.
- The preacher states America only got what it had coming to it on 9/11.
- The preacher says America is the greatest killer of all nations, past and present.
- And the congregation cheered each time! Listen to the tapes, the crowd is roaring its applause. This isn't something out of the ordinary there, they are shouting their agreement! If it was a rare occurrence, it would have been the talk of the church for weeks. The entire congregation would have been abuzz over it. The only way that any one of these statements could have been uttered from the pulpit and not have been the topic of endless discussion for the next month is if it was nothing out of the ordinary.

There is simply no way that a man is can go to a church for 20 years and claim to be utterly shocked that not only is the preacher a foaming at the mouth moonbat racist, but that the whole congregation is, too. That is simply beyond credulity.

Not only has he raised his children in this most vicious of congregations, he has repeated named J. Wright as his spiritual, and sometimes political, advisor. And he and his wife have donated $22,500 to the church.

He's in trouble because Wright's statements are in perfect agreement with the stuff coming out of Michelle Obama's mouth: that America is a fundamentally mean country, and that this is the first time she has ever been proud of America. I suppose its possible that Barrack was immune to his pastor's tripe, but it doesn't seem like his wife is.

He's in trouble because the best defense he can offer is: This is black people stuff that goes on all the time in our churches, and you white folks just don't understand, and should ignore it because blacks are still upset about stuff that ended 130 years ago, and besides, I didn't know anything about it.

He's in trouble because he's spent his whole campaign talking about how race shouldn't be a consideration in his candidacy, yet he should get a complete pass on this because he's black and therefore special.

And finally, he pulls the unity card. America needs unity. Well, speaking for myself, if unity requires being cozy with people like J. Wright and the nuts in his congregation, then the hell with unity.

The man's been a charlatan all along, now the mask is off. His pretense that this is all somehow an insignificant sideshow would be laughable, if it weren't so sickening. Because, hey, what does it matter if the president thinks Americans created AIDs to kill off all the black people, just so long as he supports socialized medicine, hope, and changy-ness? Right?

And the sad thing is, if he gets the nomination, he'll still carry 15 states and 40% of the popular vote this November.

This is how everyone needs to live their lives

2008-03-02T17:23:00.003-05:00

Standing in a circle of nothing...

2008-02-27T01:13:00.002-05:00

Perhaps because I have a fear of any major changes in my life, I have been afraid to death of moving outside the city of Orlando... until it just hit me a few minutes ago. While I know that I have a great group of amazing friends that really are the rock upon which I stand, I also see most of them slipping away as they settle down in life. Girls nite are few and far between or short lived in the do occur, everyone seems to be going in their own direction and I sometimes feel like I am standing in the middle of all of it with my arms spread wide, grasping for something... anything, or maybe honestly.. nothing! And tonight it made me think, maybe that's just it. Maybe I am grasping for something that isn't really here in the first place.
Don't get my wrong, I love my friends and cherish them dearly, and I know that I would miss the hell out of everyone if I did actually leave this town, but I do also know that I need for something to change. Only a short time ago I can remember having an abundance of friends of friends who all seemed to be on the same page in their life that I was on. Now when I look around, and I see no one, and let me be honest, it's pretty damn lonely where I'm currently standing. Maybe this is my quarter life crisis, or maybe it's part of growing up, but whatever it is, I need to get to the root of it.
So, I'm thinking that maybe a new start is what I need. Give up my comfort zone, change jobs, make some sacrifices and start over in a new town. I'm not really sure of how far I would go, but probably still somewhere in the state of Florida. My lease is up at the end of August, and perhaps that will be my initiative to spread my wings and see what else is out there.....
To be continued...

Wow, it's been a month since my last post.

2008-02-25T23:14:00.004-05:00

So much for my daily entry as promised, apparently that isn't working so well for me. I guess school, work and jogging my ass off are consuming most of my existance. So if I actually have any loyal readers, my sincerst apologies.
Not much has changed in the past month, I'm still stuck at ground zero, and might I add, I'm freakin OVER ground zero. I need some male interaction in my life, before I start to forget what it's like. While I don't NEED (or want) a man in my life all the time, I would welcome a nice dinner date, perhaps some great conversation over a cup of Starbucks goodness, or a ridiculously overpriced glass of wine. Heck, I'm pretty sure, I'd be content with a workout partner, or someone to jog with me in the evenings.
I know that I always bitch about the same thing, but I'm starting to lose hope that there are any nice & attractive guys left in this city. Furthermore, I have a complex that maybe I am just undateable. Do I do something subliminal that scares guys into the same tape recorded catchphrase that I've heard more times than I can count on my hands. "I'm really not looking for a girlfriend.." Then two shakes of a lamb's tail later that very same person indeed has a girlfriend. You know what, save my gosh darn feelings the trouble, and just tell me you aren't into me. Don't sugar coat it, or save face, stop being a freakin' coward and try being a man for a change. It makes me wonder if all men are pre-programmed with the same thing into their brains from the moment they leave the womb. On more than one occassion recently people that I know have wanted to set me up with a guy that they think would be "great for me"....but they really aren't looking for a girlfriend right now. And it hits me, the same wretched fine print that seems to accompany any male body who has a penis in the city of Orlando.

You know what, from here on out.. if I hear those words come out of the opposite sex's mouth, they can turn their ass right around and walk outta of my life, b/c they are NOT deserving of a moment of my time. You just "wanna be friends"....? Fantastic, I can tell you its under "F" in the dictionary, and that's the only place you will find it with me. I have more than enough guy friends, and last time I checked, I was in school to make a career of interior design...not "guy friend collecting".
I am a good person and I know this, I'm bettering myself both physically and mentally by leaps and bounds, I always put everyone else's needs before mine, I put my body through rigorous 60 mile walks all in hopes of finding a cure for Breast Cancer...I do random acts of kindness b/c I know it will make someone else's day better...I could go on, but it's not necessary. Point being this:
To anyone who has ever said those fateful words to me....Congrats on your new relationship, I wish you a lifetime of happiness, but when it doesn't work out and you want to pick up the phone to call me, or shoot me an email to "meet up for drinks to catch up" don't bother, I will not entertain a moment more of your attention. Someday you will realize what was right in front of your face.

It's late, I feel better now that I got that off my chest. I'm off to bed now.
I'll try to post tomorrow, and I hope it will be more positive than today's rant. :o)

Have you ever noticed ?

2008-01-28T21:56:00.000-05:00

Most of you know by now that I am back into the swing of being OCD with my diet and excersize hitting the gym atleast 4 if not 5 days a week now, so with that being said, here's my latest rant about the gym.
First off, if you are pushin' 200 lbs and wearing spandex, holding your cell phone with one hand, and lifting a 2 and 1/2 lb. weight with the other, you might want to reconsider your workout strategy. Seriously, get off your phone, pick up two weights and maybe give a little effort. I mean really, who brings their cell phone into the gym anyways? No one is so freakin' important that they can't live without their cell phone for an hour or so, (give or take.) People with cell phones at the gym annoy me. You are there to work out, not socialize. Hang up and break a sweat why don'cha? Yeesh.
Secondly, as I am squatting what I would like to refer to as a ridiculous amount of weight (90 lbs in weights, plus whatever the bar is itself) tonight, I looked around and noticed something that got me to thinkin'. Of the 25 or 30 people using the free weights and benches, etc. I was the ONLY female in there. I mean granted, the odds are without a doubt in my favor, but seriously...? Why are females so avoiding of this area? Is it the smell of sweaty men tossing around dumbells like they are donuts, or is it that they are weirded out by the muscle heads that probably have "male members" the size of a baby carrot from their obvious lack of steroid usage and arms the size of my thighs.. or is it the sheer factor of intimidation? I wonder. Perhaps I should start inviting other fellow female gym rats (not using their cell phones) to join me in the weight room. I mean afterall, it's not like the men own that place, I think we should invade their testosterone territory. I don't really know where I was going with that rant, but seriously, it bothers me.
I just ate a delicious salad and now I'm off to do some homework like a loser. Why? Because I promised myself that I would start dedicating 1 hour a day to school, and I feel guilty if I don't do so. It's part of helping me to become a better student, so I hope all this re-prioritizing pays off in the long run.

Girls vs. Grown Women

2008-01-28T11:33:00.000-05:00

Some things to think about. Most of us can totally relate to these, and I will admit there are a few that I still need to work on as well.

Grown Women
Girls want to control the man in their life.
Grown women know that if he's truly hers, he doesn't need controlling.

Girls check you for not calling them.
Grown women are too busy to realize you hadn't.

Girls are afraid to be alone.
Grown women revel in it using it as a time for personal growth.

Girls ignore the good guys.
Grown women ignore the bad guys.

Girls make you come home.
Grown women make you want to come home.

Girls leave their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and make plans.
Grown women make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits.

Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man.
Grown women know that they are pretty and/or good enough for any man.

Girls try to monopolize all their man's time (I.e., don't want him hanging with his friends).
Grown women realize that a lil' bit of space makes the 'together time' even more special-and goes to kick it with her own friends.

Girls think a guy crying is weak.
Grown women offer their shoulder and a tissue.

Girls want to be spoiled and 'tell' their man so.
Grown women 'show' him and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate without fear of losing his 'manhood'.

Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it.
Grown women know that was just one man.

Girls fall in love and chase aimlessly after the object of their affection, ignoring all 'signs'.
Grown women know that sometimes the one you love, don't always love you back-and move on, without bitterness.

Girls will read this and get an attitude.
Grown women will read this and pass it on to other grown women and their male friends

And so it begins

2008-01-28T00:21:00.000-05:00

After stalking the Beav's blogspot for awhile, I've decided to join the masses, so here I am. While I can not promise to post everyday, I will make an effort to post on a regular basis.

Without further ado.. maybe I present to you my first blog.

On my way home from my Sunday evening tradition of a fat laden feasts with the family, I come across something that used to alarm me, but now lately it seems to be the norm. Can someone please tell me why the police helicopters are constantly flying over my side of town. Tonight on my way home I cross over 434 on Maitland Blvd. and to my delight I count not 1, not 2, but 4 police helicopters circling the vicinity of my home. This used to be a shock to me, but lately it's a weekly occurence. While I would like to believe that they are just flying overhead to ensure my safety as I exit my car and head towards the front door of my quaint little grey and white house, I know this is anything but the case. Perhaps it has something to do with the 7 houses that are currently sitting vacant, for sale or for rent on my street. Did I mention that the entire length of my street only spans about 15 houses on each side, so doing a quick estimate, that's roughly 1/4 of the houses on my street being occupied by only insects and stale air.

It is because of this that I have decided while I love the huge backyard, shiny stainless steel digital appliances, and house full of travertein flooring, my safety and security supercede all of these luxurys, and I will not be renewing my lease. So it is with my deepest dissapointment that I let everyone know now that all festivities at Pembrook will ceases effective August 31, 2008.